28 May 2009

Daily Chat 28/05/09

The Bolton Massacre took place on this day in 1644.  Fortunately, Kevin Davies was not born yet and was, therefore, not hurt.  In 1830, President Andrew Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act.  In 1952, women in Greece were given the vote and one year ago today, Nepal became a republic.  Celebrating birthdays:  Gladys Knight, John Fogarty, Roland Gift, David Baddiel, Kylie Minogue, and Charles N'Zogbia.  Today is the Downfall of the Derg in Ethiopia.


  1. Ah, happy birthday John FogErty (if that's who you mean, MW).


    That's Gene Clark, that is. Of Byrds fame. And Dillard and Clark.

    I heart Gene Clark, in a manly, slap-on-the-shoulder-not-on-the-buttocks-type way.

    Anyway, lots of sabre-rattling on the Korean peninsula at the moment, eh?

  2. Swifty - I can't help it if John can't spell his own name right!

  3. "in a manly, slap-on-the-shoulder-not-on-the-buttocks-type way."

    Footballers are very keen on the bottom pat, arent they. Often i see a goal go in greeted with a lot of bum touching. They really are the biggest bunch of overpaid, shameless nancies imaginable. I want death squads. Unannounced death squads.

    Each season, no one knows when its coming, or which ground, its a completely secret, but they all know it will happen at some point in the season - 15 mercenaries (as oppose to the 22 on the pitch) are parachuted in with automatic weapons and the whole lot are gunned down, managers as well. The physios would be spared, as would the ball boys.

    That would make football worth watching.

  4. @Jay:

    "the whole lot are gunned down"

    Heh, altough it'd be hard to tell the difference between that and what happens now when the "hidden sniper" brings Ronaldo/Drogba et al down in full flight. Slow motion "no-o-o-o-o" as the invisible bullet tragically ends a mazy 30 yard run, culminating in a shot to the calf or thigh, requiring vigorous rubbing of the affected part, rolling around, grimacing etc.

    And then they get up again a couple of minutes later with no visible ill effects.

  5. Jesus Jay, did a footballer run off with your wife or something?

  6. @D'nibor:

    Uh oh. You mean you've never heard the story? A tragedy is what it was... a stone cold tragedy.

  7. I love a good tragedy, especially a stone cold one....is there any buttock slapping involved? Because that would make it even better.....

  8. Julie Kirkbride and John Butterfill- tee hee hee!
    I'm glad we're seeing the Tories coming apart as well as NuLab...

    Looking forward to the juicy details of the story of your wife and the footballer, Jay, perhaps I can sell it to the Telegraph...

  9. The vile leta is banging on about 'what about the menz' on the UN agency for women thread.

    Saying that about the victims of the war in ethe Congo is just unbelievable. Most African cultures are very far from anything like equal rights for women that to whine on like that in this context is awful and does that case (which has some merits in the west although s/he is not exactly the best spokesperson for that cause).

    African governments largely ignore women and even where they have legal equality (e.g s Africa) attitudes are appalling - gang raping lesbians to 'convert them' into straight women is not only completely vile its strikes me as not exactly the best way of attempting it!!

    Improving educational opportunities for women is one the ways of increasing health a prosperity. Women do most of the farming in Africa and they are better able to exploit business opportunities if they are literate. (Examples of successful businesses like selling Shea butter to fair trade organisations has made some communities far more prosperous).

    Getting health care into the villages (mobile clinics etc benefits everybody - just benefits women more.

    But hey don't lets allow this to get in the way of blind prejudice!

    When it comes to the third world such arguments are just stupid!

  10. @D'nibor:


    There's a discussion about the first part of it here - scroll down to para 13 The Facts.


    But that was only the start of it, really, the tragic part of the tragedy kicked in later. Jay'll be better able to tell you the rest of it if his therapist says it's OK.

  11. "Heh, altough it'd be hard to tell the difference between that and what happens now when the "hidden sniper"

    Exactly, they're bad enough now, imagine the theatrics and acrobatics we'd see with real bullets! They'd put Olympic gymnasts to shame.

    Doohnibor - yes, Ultima ended up marrying Peter Beardsley.

  12. Wow, A sounds like a real charmer.....

    I think she regrets it Jay, she's always very tender towards you in her posts, they're the online equivalent of a gentle caress.

    Plus, it wouldn't be nice for anyone to wake up to Peter Beardsley's face on the pillow every morning....

  13. "Plus, it wouldn't be nice for anyone to wake up to Peter Beardsley's face on the pillow every morning...."

    He has an inner beauty, a clarity of soul... (or so she told me)

  14. "lots of sabre-rattling on the Korean peninsula at the moment, eh?"

    Methinks they're pushing to see what Team "Open-Hand" Obama are going to do...

  15. Flipping hell Jay, this stuff's golden... almost as marketable as the *real* reason Roy Keane came home from Japan in the World Cup a few years back...

  16. @D'nibor:

    Yes, "A" certainly got a lot of grief from the terraces for his shenanigans. Especially as he was captain of Blackburn Rovers at the time.


    It is an excellent idea, real bullets. Or how about the football is a pre-programmed explosive, with a fuse that goes bang after a randomly determined number of kicks? Would certainly improve the passing game, it'd be like kicking a live hand grenade around.

  17. Thats just a globally recognised female euphemism for 'enormous cock'.

    There, I've let you into a little secret.

  18. @D'nibor:

    Thanks for that. Dunno about Beardo's cock, but he has a fine pair of testicles which I believe once "popped out" a la Alan Partridge, mid-game.

    YouTube has let me down on this occasion, but I'm sure there must be a picture of them out there somewhere...

  19. "Thats just a globally recognised female euphemism for 'enormous cock'."

    'Real charmer' or 'Peter Beardsley' ???

  20. Ah no, here it is.


    Google is my new best friend today.

  21. Who knew Ultima was a lap-dancer?

  22. Swifty, you are an evil genius. I've got to go and plead my 09/10 budget shortly and if I can't erase that image from my mind then we're all fucked....

  23. @D'nibor:

    Happy to help. I find the image of Beardo's "town halls" often comes to mind during budget meetings with Head Finance Bloke (or indeed any other desperately dull but "vitally important" gatherings).

  24. I just can't stop laughing. Now I'm worried that this is the wrong reaction.

  25. @D'nibor:

    If you put a pair of specs on Beardo's bag o' delights, and a grey wig, you'd have our Head Finance Bloke. It's uncanny.

    Mind you, he's one of those blokes who, from the very first time you clap eyes on him, you absolutely know is going to be the world's largest talking male genital parts.

    He doesn't disappoint.

  26. BW - !

    What on earth do you put into Google to get that picture BTW?

    (Not that I am planning to look for more, just for the record)

  27. Interesting, ours looks as if he's the type to not actually have any genitals, just smooth, hairless plastic. Toy figure style.

  28. @D'nibor:

    I think "Peter Beardsley's shorts" did the job, Google-wise.

    A propos of nothing, my mate and I have just been laughing about The Inbetweeners. Particularly the episode where "posh twat" Will gets pissed round his mate's and calls his mate's dad a "bumder".

  29. Just think about "Priest Off" Doohnibor, that should straighten you up.... ;-)

  30. So who's Kevin Davies? I suspect he's a footballer.
    I met Paul Marriner once at my then local (Sudbury, Suffolk) gym and that's my only famous footballer story.
    Still waiting for the full juicy details of Jay's wife and a footballer so i can flog the story to The Telegraph.
    BTW, I know Montana has moaned about the high intellectual tone of this blog but don't you think posting links of videos of famous footballer's bollocks is taking things a bit far?


    I've Skyplussed The Inbetweeners - from the clips I've seen, I'm slightly kicking myself for not cottoning onto it sooner.

    Bumder, classic, now I'll be trying not to develop a rare form of tourettes which causes me to shout Bumder at anyone this afternoon....

  32. Priest Off...


  33. Well. I'm deeply shocked. Some twisted minds may derive a perverted pleasure from such a photograph but I'm not amongst their number. Do realise a minor might glimpse such a photograph? Can you imagine the damage such exposure could do?
    Montana, your blog has been hijacked by purveyers of FILTH. Someting should be done about it.
    Think of the children, I beg of you...

  34. @DanP:

    Granted, today's effort isn't going to win any Pulitzer prizes, but in my defence I plead on-topic-ality. D'nibor mentioned Beardo's cock - finding that picture of his testes was really just the logical next step.

    PS finally watched the last episode of season 1 of The Wire last night. Hmm.

    PS Someone please go and tear into Two Dinners "speaking his brains" over on CiF. It's all the press' fault now - apparently the MPs' expenses were all going to be published in July anyway - but he somehow manages to forget that these would have been the "redacted" versions, no addresses etc, no way of highlighting the now-notorious "flipping" of second home to allow for soft furnishings to be paid for out of the public purse, CGT to be avoided etc.

  35. Thank you, Bitterweed, for "Priestoff"- BRILLIANT!
    I shall now send that link to many friends...

  36. Rather timely I feel Dan...

  37. SwiftyBoy
    Please don't tell me the Series Two Wire outcome - I have Mon/Tue/Weds backed up to watch on my freeview box

    Thanks mate !

  38. @BW:

    No worries mate, I haven't watched any of series 2 yet.

    Very much enjoyed series 1, but I've got to say, some of the acting in it was *awful*.

  39. they were character actors by all accounts. Anyone in particular you didn'tlike?

  40. Aha, looks like Julie Kirkbride is going to step down. Good riddance.

  41. OK, OK. Apologies for mentioning Peter Beardsley's cock.

    And I hope thats the first AND last time I ever have cause to type that sentence.

    PS - thanks for the link BW - I shall enjoy it properly when I'm at home and have the benefit of a sound card!

  42. @BW:

    I thought there were some excellent actors in it, to be fair, particularly the young lads in the Pit, also Stringer Bell, Weebay, in fact most of the "baddies" were brilliant.

    However... the Lootenant particularly stands out, he was just so *wooden* all the time.

  43. Good old tory councillor Phibbsy, when the world around him is debating major political reform and the morality of getting the great british public to buy you a seat for your crapper, its good to see that he's turned his attention to cures for snoring.....

  44. I see, hmm, maybe SB. I was completely engrossed from episode one; as you say the gangsta stuff was great - unparalleled realism in my view. An d McNulty was instantly likeable as a great mixture of talent, cunning and booze...

    No prblem about the cock
    You WILL need sound to enjoy Priest Off...
    (hoh yes !)

  45. This pic of Kirkbride - most unconvincing smile evah!


  46. Yes, Kirkbride is toast, and Moran's standing down too.
    We should have a sweepstake here on how many MP's will not stand at the next election. I'll kick off with 137.

  47. That picture is even more revolting than the one of PB's C....

  48. Anyone else find that this really is a lot more informative and less stressful than CiF... ?
    (Perhaps I ought to add that I've got tomorrow off so it's now effectively Friday afternoon...

  49. The smile may be unconvincing, but those pics cost the taxpayer £1,000. Money well spent?

    Bye bye Julie.

  50. Prescott's article - OMFG.

    Jaw on floor.

    BW - yes.

  51. Dan - yes, Kevin Davies is a footballer. Striker for Bolton and very easy on the eye. I love him and I want to have his babies.

    I'm thinking today's thread is making up for all that poetry nonsense we'd been getting into.

  52. Lovely post on Prescott's blog that won't last long:

    28 May 09, 1:19pm (12 minutes ago)
    If we are perturbed by the contents of a newspaper or find ourselves questioning its ethics or modus operandi, then we retain the right not to buy it. Thus the readers, collectively and individually, remain the most powerful regulator of a free media. Parliament and Her Majesty's Government, meanwhile, levy taxes and demand payment upon threat of imprisonment, and yet the MPs which populate both institutions try with all their might to withhold the details of the manner in which they use our money to enhance their lifestyles. They then have the temerity to cast themselves as the hapless, helpless victims of carniverous journalists.

    In summary: Shut up and fuck off, you fat, greedy shit.

  53. Oh, sorry, Montana - that may have come too close to poetry?

  54. Someone called RobLangley posted a lovely little comment on the Prescott thread, I can't repeat it verbatim, but it was something like;

    Oh please just resign and then you'll have all the time in the world to sit on the toilet seats we bought you.

    I thought it was on-topic, concise and highly amusing and I see now that its been deleted - could anyone enlighten me as how that meets the criteria for deletion?

  55. I'm not opposed to all poetry, Thauma! Just the edifying kind. Poetic rants are A-OK.

  56. @thauma:

    Agreed, I loved that upmann post. Beautifully constructed - flowery Latinate discourse juxtaposed with a sweary, pithy sign off.

    Great stuff.

  57. Kirkbride has said she will stand down!

  58. Glad you have clarified your position, Montana.

    What about limericks? Are limericks OK?

  59. Thauma
    "Lovely post on Prescott's blog that won't last long:"

    Yes, brilliant, that's the f@cking spirit !

  60. Thought you might say that ;-)

    If I get bored this evening....

  61. @thauma:

    "There once was an MP called John
    Who didn't know which bog seat to sit on
    So he stood up instead
    When he went to the head
    And now all his trousers have shit on."

    That's poetry, that is.

  62. There was a young lady from Tottenham,
    Who had no manners, or else she'd forgotten 'em,
    At tea at the vicar's,
    She tore off her knickers,
    Because, she explained, she felt hot in 'em.

  63. I hear they're recruiting at Oxford Swifty. Perhaps you should wang an application in? (Assuming you've not got form for inviting young ladies to 'imagine making love to you'.)

  64. @thauma:

    Cheers, good of you to say so, took literally *minutes* of agonising over and I'm still not happy with the scansion.

    Re. piccies of Kirkbride: Sky News are running some pictures of her wearing a summery pink dress in a corn field next to an enormous bail of hay... all of which I'm finding mildly erotic, I'm dreadfully ashamed to say.

  65. Swifty
    Good work. You could be in academia mate.

  66. "summery pink dress in a corn field next to an enormous bail of hay... all of which I'm finding mildly erotic, I'm dreadfully ashamed to say."

    Mate. Look closer. She has a second line of sharp pointy teeth and sheer emptiness behind her eyes....

  67. @D'nibor:

    With my Kirkbride-mildly-erotically-diverting-in-a-corn-field bombshell just posted above, I think I've just ruled myself out of any Oxbridge poetry professorship, unfortunately.

  68. actually, I think you've probably just passed their first selection test....

  69. This comment has been removed by the author.

  70. http://www.canceractive.com/cimg/i162__Julie%20Kirkbride.jpg

    This one might be more recent....

  71. Swifty, if Julie's your type, she'll have a fair bit of time on her hands after the next election, and a choice of residences where you could hide from her old man.

  72. @D'nibor:

    Hmm, OK I take your point. But...

    A roll in the hay with Julie Kirkbride, anyone?

    I still reckon her sweaty gurning hubbie (further down that page) has done well for himself there.

  73. I've never interfered in anyone's relationship before, but because I like you Swifty, and I want you to be happy, I'd recommend keeping your wank fodder from Mrs SB and I certainly wouldn't try getting her to pose next to a hay bale in a pink dress.....

  74. @D'nibor:

    Yes yes you're quite right of course, I've cancelled the order for the pink dress from Gap and will now be taking the grass cuttings down to the tip and *not* saving them to roll up into an enormous ball.

    Many thanks, your good sense has saved me an inordinate amount of bother, I couldn't for the life of me work out how I was going to get Mrs SB a) to put on the pink dress; b) to stand nonchalantly beside the enormous grass ball; c) to agree to have her picture taken next to it.

  75. I reckon b) would have been the sticking point, a gentleman with your wit and charm could, I am sure, pull off a) and c).

  76. @D'nibor:

    Thank you and yes, the enormous grass ball was bothering me. I was thinking of disguising it with a tarpaulin or something while it was a-building, but I had a concern it would have started turning into silage at the bottom by the time it had reached sufficient enormity.

    And no doubt like most reasonable women, Mrs SB would never be caught dead standing next to a slowly decomposing ball of silage, however pretty the pink dress.

  77. LOL at Swifty with his legal authorities there! :D

    Evening everyone.

    Brain = mash potato so don't expect anything remotely witty and/or erudite from me this evening.

    Beer. Must drink beer. Arghaghahghhrhrhghghahga... glug...glug...glug...

  78. Drat! Can't find any nice beefcakey pix, but here's the lovely Kevin Davies to help balance out all these agri-erotic photos of this Kirkbride woman.

  79. First post on Blunkett’s thread.

    Get in!

  80. sartrecastic28 May, 2009 21:31

    Oh gods. Blunkett has a thread now? Where? Lemme at him, etc.

  81. sartrecastic28 May, 2009 21:34

    You'd think the "weak governments" criticism would actually work in favour of PR. After all, the more time parliament spends squabbling amongst itself the less time it has to screw things up for the rest of us.

  82. sartrecastic28 May, 2009 22:11

    Blargh. I just realised he's not even going to read that, is he?

    How depressing.

  83. sartrecastic28 May, 2009 22:11

    I could email him it.

  84. sartrecastic: HE may not read it (I’ll refrain from making a joke about having to get someone to read it for him, because that would be unnecessarily spiteful...), but I did.

    Recommended it too; when I have a bit more time I’ll have to check out some more of your comments. I’m sure they’ll repay the effort, though it’s too close to bedtime now.

  85. sartrecastic28 May, 2009 22:45

    Ooh, cheers! But I shouldn't say so, I tend to go on a bit.

    I don't have many comments on that moniker anyway; it's not long since I changed it.