03 July 2009

Daily Chat 03/07/09

On this day in 987, Hugh Capet was crowned King of France. The Great Auk became extinct in 1844, when a trio of Icelandic men killed the last nesting pair and smashed the egg they'd been incubating. Arseholes. And in 1996, the Stone of Scone was returned to Scotland. Celebrating birthdays: Ken Russell, Tom Stoppard, Julie Burchill, Vince Clark, Tom Cruise and Yeardley Smith. It's Independence Day in Belarus.


  1. Arseholes indeed...............

  2. Haven't had a moment to write- so busy dealing with all your holiday bookings- the response has been tremendous. Sarcasm doesn't really work in this medium don't you find?

    So is anyone interested in a half share in a riad in Marrakech? This could be opportunity of a lifetime!

    Met really interesting guy in main square last night- son of Ariel Dorfman, Chilean writer, playwright and human rights activist. I'd heard of him but hadn't read anything of his. Anyway his son Rodrigo is a writer and documentary filmmaker and currently obsessed by Gnawa- sufi trance stuff (as I ignorantly paraphrase it)
    I've been very keen on Sufi trance music and heard many sufi bands in Rajastan. I really go for all that mystical shit what with my buddhist chanting and yoga.
    Anyway, those interested should check out Rodrigo's site: www.gnawastories.com

    Anyone into yoga? I'm training to become a teacher- need another financial string to my bow...

    So let me know when your flight arrives and I'll pick you up from the airport... OK?

  3. Hi Dan,

    Sorry, various friends have seen fit to: move to New Zealand, get married in South Africa and have a baby in Canada, so I'm all booked up for the foreseeable...........

  4. This is so good I just had to share:



  5. "........Cancel the Clown too.........."

    SB - you are a mischievous genius.

    That was the funniest fucking video I have seen in years.

    It was made even funnier for me because my internet (via dongle) signal is intermittent this morning. With the result that when I played the video the frames froze on my screen every three to five seconds.

    The text and the facial expressions coinciding with a synergistic happiness for me.

    Cheers bro I am off to change me wet pants - I pissed mesen.

    That really was fucking daft - pure magic.

  6. Dan - if your short of shillings.

    Play SwiftyBoy's vid and slow frame it. Make a cartoon of it and you might make a bob or two.


  7. I love those redubbed/subtitled YouTube spoofs.

    If you've ever seen Snatch and Star Wars, you might also like this mash up:


    The bit with Princess Leia starting at 0:45 is great.

  8. Go onto YouTube and type in "Teesside Tintin."

    Some are better than others, mind.

  9. I don't have speakers at work, tits, I could use a laugh today.....

  10. @vari:

    Not having a sparkler today, old girl?

  11. @ Vari - may help. Direct hot from the Guardian:

    "Miriam Sakewitz, 47, was jailed for 90 days by a Washington county court judge.

    The woman's obsession with rabbits was exposed in 2006 when police found more than 150 of them in her home and dozens more bunny bodies in freezers. She was arrested on accusations of animal neglect and placed on five years' probation, on condition that she stay away from rabbits.

    But on 16 June police arrested Sakewitz after she called a maintenance worker to her room in the Portland suburb of Tigard to fix a broken television. The worker saw and smelled the rabbits some of them hopping free."


  12. I've got to hear a grievancewith a hangover, plus, I think it's going to mean that I miss the tennis.

    Even my bacon roll was crap this morning....thats the sort of thing that I can silently fume about all day....

  13. "I've been very keen on Sufi trance music and heard many sufi bands in Rajastan."

    Sounds intriguing..is that the whole whirling dervish thing? I vaguely remember something about it being outlawed in Turkey, as a relgious practice but it still happens.

    Didn't it come about, from someone walking through a marketplace and hearing the rhythym of metal workers, hammering in their stalls?
    Wouldn't mind checking some out, if you can point me in the right direction.
    I'm always on the lookout for new sampling sources.

  14. She was arrested on accusations of animal neglect and placed on five years' probation, on condition that she stay away from rabbits.

    "Step away from the hutch and put the rabbit down!"

  15. man with no name's dog03 July, 2009 12:45

    @ Vari

    If it's that bad send the office junior to investigate:

    "......Shrinking sheep riddle solved......."

    And ask for a report by 4.30.

  16. deano30, many thanks...quite cheered me up that has, until you get your grandchildren, can you be honorary grandfather to mine?

  17. I'll have to have a word with the man with no names dog.


  18. Montana - where abouts in Iowa are you? I hear they are putting up a butter statue of Michael Jackson in Des Moine. I think you should investigate and post photos here!

  19. Mendoza:
    I really can't help you- just know I love the music.
    But check out Rodrigo's site- looks very interesting:

    All I have here is Miranda's crappy little pink ASUS computer (linux) with no sound (that I can find anyway) and tiny fucking keyboard. Wish I had my Mac with cinema size monitor and dog's bollocks sound system...

    Thanks for advice, Deano. Perhaps you could tell me how I can make money from comic strips? Haven't cracked that one yet...

  20. Hello chaps,

    Have any of you been caught wanking over a picture of Edwina Currie?

  21. @colin:

    I sat next to her in a restaurant in Covent Garden once, she's got a provocative way of eating asparagus, I'll grant her that.

    But no - I've never relaxed in a gentleman's way while thinking about Edwina Currie, no. Why do you ask?

  22. @ Dan - 64K ?

    I know not my friend - but if you could get SB, Stoaty, and BWeed et al writing the script/scenario for you I would have to think you might be on for at least half a crown.

    Cheers guy.

  23. "Have any of you been caught wanking over a picture of Edwina Currie?"

    Isn't that John Majors opening gambit, in his dinner-party circuit speech?

  24. Stoaty.

    I had heard that Mrs Major had binned them - you don't have refuse collecting company do you?

  25. I've had the misfortune to meet her a couple of times, and I certainly didn't want to pleasure myself. Have a bloody good wash more like.

  26. "And i never even got to go to Neverland..."

    Swifty that is one of the funniest videos i have ever seen. Excellent work on bringing it to the UT. Everyone must watch that. Anyone who doesnt will be banned (i have admin capabilities ya know...)

  27. @ Jay

    It's a fucking corker ain't it! I agree if you ain't watched it you should not be allowed to trawl these pages.

  28. Will clock that later, no blogging / youtubing for me today...

    something nice for the weekend then !

  29. Gents,
    It's just that I thought it might be a fairly common occurence.

  30. Looking for reassurance stoaty?

  31. Dan,
    I atually wrote a couple of comic strips and got an agent who flogged hinself to death trying to sell 'em. I did once get a cartoon in Private Eye though. Would like to put some stuff up on here but have no idea how to go about it.
    How dare you madam, I ask the questions.

  32. Stoat to therapist...

    ".......it was then that I came to realise that there was something altogether quite .........different about me............"

    therapist to Stoat

    ".........really ..........and how long do you think...."

  33. Stoaty,

    methinks the lady doth protest too much?

    (and what makes you think I'm a "madam")

  34. Stoat to therapist:

    "........but I was never as disadvantaged as that deano a chap who was plainly altogether not altogether......."

    therapist to Stoat

    "...........well ok but that doesn't explain the underpants..........would it be rude to ask......."

  35. ColinStoat:
    Yeah- agents. Don't get me fucking started on AGENTS...

    The Hitler/Jackson vid is priceless. Couldn't possibly be improved upon. Every one of those Hitler in Bunker vids makes me fall about and I can't work out why. Something to do with the timing, I think- all those long pauses perhaps. And the script is brilliant. Are they all by the same guy?

    Peace and love man. Time to skin up another one?

  36. elementary_watson03 July, 2009 16:00

    Jay, that is quite unfair. When I tried to see what the video was about, youtube told me that "This video is too funny for people in your country to watch it." And now, you punish the poor fuckers who are not allowed to watch it by also banning them?

    Well, just saw that in principle now it has been rated down in funniness, so I can watch it. I will as soon as I get home.

  37. Well fuck me - I was just cleaning my car (trying to convert it from a mobile kennel which is what it really is) to give someone a lift to the Elkie Brooks concert tonight.

    What do I come across? The third field mouse family of the year that I'm going to have to evict.

    A Mum and three youngsters. All safely caught (they were nesting in insulation material in the back. So, as I've done lots of times before - it's a three mile drive to release them in the wild.

    I think Mungo must have a soft spot for them - he never gave them away!

  38. Dotterel,
    If you are a man then you should know better, and as for the various anons may I remind them that there is a fine line between humour and damned impertinence.
    As my good friend Dan is allowed to tout what appears to be a North African knocking shop on here then I should be allowed to conduct some serious research.
    Any muff divers in?

  39. Watson - harsh but fair. I just cant abide "nonwatchers". Im sorry.

    "I should be allowed to conduct some serious research.
    Any muff divers in?"

    Its not just the seriousness of your research that i admire but also the integrity of it and refusal to use casual slang. This reads like something from the golden age of research.

  40. "Vote for Change is an exciting new campaign that’s pulling together a coalition of organisations, including Unlock Democracy, to campaign for a change in the way we elect our politicians.

    For too long now, British politicians have abused their position of power. In part, that’s been due to the way they’re elected – our system isn’t representative and it’s completely out of date. Changing the system is the only way to make sure this abuse can’t continue.

    Did you know that not one MP was elected by a majority of their constituents? How can we have a politics that truly represents the views and interests of the people if the views of the minority hold sway?

    We’re supporting Vote for a Change’s campaign for a referendum on reforming the voting system to be held at the same time as the General Election next year. To kick off their campaign, they’re holding a Rally for a Change in London on July 9th at 6.30pm. There will be music from Billy Bragg and a surprise guest, poetry from Dave Neita and a chance to put some politicians on the spot – including Jo Swinson MP (Lib Dem), Peter Tatchell (Green Party) and Gerald Batten MEP (UKIP) as well as speeches from Dave Rowntree (Blur) and Oona King."

    Could be interesting....

  41. @Jay:

    "This reads like something from the golden age of research."

    Maybe one of the ATLers on CiF could take a leaf out of Colin's book and actually use some research in one of their ill-informed articles for a change.

  42. I think they'd be a bit overwhelmed to be honest, Swifty, the Stoats empirical method is far beyond the comprehension of the Graun writers. We'd have to start them lower and work up, walking before running and all that.

  43. Thanks for that Jay, if it wasn't for you this would be a fucking intellectual wasteland.

    You sure they are not just er... mice?
    Why can't you just leave 'em if they are cute fieldy types?
    It was so hot yesterday that the hedgehog had his nose out of his hut in daylight.

  44. Stoat - they eat the electrics.

    Mission accomp - Deano away concerting- Good W/End all.

    I LOVE Elkie Brooks...wonderful blues voice...
    Met her once briefly (name dropping again)

    Two Americans staying this week- married, no kids yet,
    she's 35 and works her arse off in some property company and really stressed out. Her equilibrium further altered by local loonie girl who came up to her outside our door and grabbed her tits and bum.
    So she freaked and I said she's a loony and 13 years old and hormonal so what can you expect already?
    And he (does something very specialised in London bank) said he reckoned it was the result of sexual abuse.

    Sidi Ramadi ('Mister Grey' cos light skinned Berber who does extra work as Brit in all these epic movies made over there) scored me some excellent shit although at an outrageous price. The manager we used to have had a gofer- a 'guardien'- whose first duty on arrival was to pop out for a tenners worth of 'number 1', but my present manager is paranoid about everyone being carted off to prison.
    I, of course, can do what I like...
    I think you few, privileged readers may be witnessing a catharsis- a sea-change in my future prospects. I may be becoming A HOTEL MANAGER IN MARRAKECH. Three weeks ago I wouldn't have believed it.

    That last spliff was VERY strong...

    When the American couple arrive I'm giving Whitney a brief introduction to yoga on the roof terrace and a basic 'cartooning for beginners' lesson to Mike.
    That should be fun. And they have MONEY.

    And they are a lovely couple.
    I really should be writing this in my blog...

  46. Was it you, Dotterel, asking how to publish your stuff?
    My blog's on Word Press and it's a piece of piss.
    That's what my son said anyway. It only took me about a week to understand how to write a few words. And only another fortnight to get the pictures up. But I expect you have a young and pristine brain unclogged by a lifetime's use of noxious substances...
    That's enough.

  47. "Thanks for that Jay, if it wasn't for you this would be a fucking intellectual wasteland."

    I wasnt having a dig, old boy, just found your comment funny.

  48. ColinStoat: Sorry, it was you, not Dotterel.

    (Why am I finding this all so complicated?)

    And my apologies to you aussi, Monsieur Dottorelle.
    Ils parle Francais ici.
    Au revoir mes amis...

  49. Mendoza:
    BTW, don't think whirling dervishes have anything to do with it but what I know about it could be written with a magic marker on my little toenail.

  50. Jay,
    How about OBE coming on with her own personal mod?
    Bloody quick he is too.

  51. colin
    Mandlebastard just laid on a couiple of rant there. They're closing the thread now.

  52. Bitterweed,
    Surprise sur fuckin' prise. Turds.

  53. Christ, they even modded sheff!

  54. Stoaty,

    If you want your own blog for your comics, it only takes about 5 minutes to sign up for one here on blogspot. If you want them to be here on the UT, you can either e-mail them to me or I can make you an author, so you can start your own posts. You can insert graphics into posts, so you could put one up any time you wanted to.

  55. Incredibly shallow comment here: even Bea Potter-Campbell OBE's photo screams 'pretentious twat', doesn't it? I mean, she just looks like the sort of irritating bitch that would be a faux lefty.

  56. Bleeping kids! Booster Man is my son's gmail. I didn't realise that he was signed in. Oops.

  57. Montana,

    What did you just get deleted for on lady Bea's thread? I've just been done for questioning the Graun's quality control.

  58. Staybryte
    How goes it ? I'm off on the lash shorly. Have a good one, whatever you're doing.

  59. Booster,
    Could of sworn I answered you, thanks.

  60. Booster Man
    Indeed, all good that.

    Smug, scrawny death-dyke of the literati, OBE

  61. Bitterweed,

    I'm alright mate. Have one (just the one) for me. Quietish evening pour moi. Mrs staybryte is off out to see Go West and the Blow Monkeys (don't ask) so it's kissing the little staybrytes goodnight and trying to find something worth watching on the box time.


  62. Colin - the Duchess clearly does have her own team of mods. The thread started off fine for an hour or so, i had a dig, seaton joined in, all was good natured, then the mod squad arrived and turned the place into downtown Gaza.

    Even mentioning her OBE seems enough to get modded now, which really fucking annoys me. The pretentious twat swans on to CIF making a big song and dance about her bloody OBE, she gets the slaughtering she deserves and now the mods claim its off limits to mention it. Utter bullshit. Thats the trouble with the Graun crowd, they can give it but cant take it. They'll put it out there to showboat then when it gets chucked back in their face the mods are called in.

  63. Jay
    The Mods rallying call is "Show them the prigs"

  64. Classic Jay:
    .. well now, it appears, they are in fact so different they need to form these numerous factions and battle each other for holiness and state handouts while continually claiming the superiority of their particular claim to victimhood ...
    The Tories and Murdoch must be pissing themselves - them and their ilk have brought the world to its knees with the disgusting nihilism and exploitation that is neoliberalism, and you folk want to swap war stories about being given a nasty look by a banner waving gay who was blocking your sunlight on the Atheist Trannies march.

  65. Staybryte -- I asked if everything Dame Bea wrote sounded like the hissy fit of a 15 year old girl. I then added, "Actually, that might be an insult to some of the 15 year old girls I know."

  66. Bitterweed - like it.

    MsChin - i couldnt resist a rant, for me that article is the Rubicon of the Identity Politics bullshit. Its just too much, its gone too far, it is now a serious block to good community relations. They are fucking parasites. Malicious little parasites.

  67. Jay -- have you checked out the Blacks & gay marriage thread yet? I know it's US-focused, but it's still fun!

  68. ".. well now, it appears, they are in fact so different they need to form these numerous factions and battle each other for holiness and state handouts while continually claiming the superiority of their particular claim to victimhood ...
    The Tories and Murdoch must be pissing themselves - them and their ilk have brought the world to its knees with the disgusting nihilism and exploitation that is neoliberalism, and you folk want to swap war stories about being given a nasty look by a banner waving gay who was blocking your sunlight on the Atheist Trannies march"

    Oh that was a corker mate !

  69. Montana - thats where we've all been, the black more-victimised-than-thou thread, these people should all be deported to a Pacific island. From across the world, anyone who wants to define themselves by their race, sexuality, skin colour, etc, round the fuckers up and dump em somewhere nasty. Griffin and Harker can share a bunkbed at the dorms.

    BW - it'll prob be deleted before dawn, the mods are being particularly spiteful tonite.

  70. Right im retreating for the nite, the blackgaytwat thread has stressed me too much for a friday night, night all.

  71. OK, there's something funny going on on CiF, when I refresh the page, there are new posts suddenly appearing in between other posts that I've just read.

    And clearly the esteemed moderators are thin on the ground tonight, as posts are no longer permitted on the Bea OBE thread and the Polly thread has not yet invited comments. Perhaps they've gone for a bevvy to recover from a heavy day's deletions ...

  72. They don't drink Chinny.

    They just sit in feng shui'd herbal internet cafes ebaying for 02 ticket stubs.

  73. BW
    LOL & spluttered me coffee on me keyboard

  74. Fuck me, there are truly some thick cunts on CiF. I've had some dipshit trying to explain all about the *real* reason the First world War was "stopped" (his words) on that Robert Fox Afghanistan thread. I've called him on it, and he's gone all mental on me. Then some other cocksucker's joined in accusing me of being jengiz and festinog, whoever they are.

    Why did I do it?

  75. Chin
    Soz ;-)

    "Why did I do it?"
    Perhaps you imagined these dildos have the faintest clue about anything ?

    (Listen, by the way I know you're ex forces; two of my best mates are ex army (left ten years plus), and they both told me what a waste of time the Iraq invasion was while I was still tub thumping for Hitchens and thought the Euston Manifesto had a point. My name's Bitterweed, and I am a recovering neocon...)

  76. @BW:

    Interesting isn't it? I was out before all that, and was conflicted because a) I knew blokes who were going; but b) knew Blair was lying about WMD.

    Afghanistan's even worse mate. Like I said on that Foxy thread, I don't think we've even got any least bad options open to us anymore. They are all uniformly stinkers, each and every choice we could make out there.

  77. Perhaps you imagined these dildos

    No, I definitely saw them ...

  78. Can that Lady sing - fucking amazing.

    I have fallen in love with Ms Elkie Brooks all over again. I must now start a google search to find out how to be a stalker.

    She was fucking amazing - audience gave her standing ovation etc - me pure rapture.

    Oh I do like a lass with a powerful melodic voice and what a performer.Fegging stunning she was and she is now 64

    Fuck it I think I/m off to Leeds on Sunday to see her all over again (if I can get a ticket)

    Fullish moon several bottles of good wine and new copies of her CD's to play all night long.

    The lass is class pure pure class. YIPEE

  79. Great
    I really liked her thirty years back, glad she can still do it.

  80. Yea great 5 piece band too - most of them have been with her over 20 years. Guess she must be ok to work with.

    Man the guy on the Sax was something altogether together. He was brill.

    A really fab night out. Talking with a guy who recently saw Dylan at Sheffield paid twice as much and enjoyed it not one tenth as much as Elkie tonight.

    I'll post the tour details dates if anyone interested tomorrow.

  81. Nice one Dean. She used to turn in some great blues tunes inbetween prog anthems lik Nights in White Satin, and curios like Lilac Wine.

    What she always had, apart from a great voice, then was an absolute integrity onstage. I always think Annie Lennox modelled herself a bit on her...

  82. Oh I have a hurt in my head

    All those girls - my mum, my sisters Elaine and Edie and my beloved sometime wife

    Oh I have a hurt in my head

  83. A hurt with more joy than ought else - I know about these things cos I fell asleep before I had to be concerned about.................

  84. about

    about no more than then tomorrow.

    hell toad - as best I recall it that's where I came in................

  85. you bet my oved one or two04 July, 2009 05:35

    you bet my loved one

  86. @mungo
    Hope you're going to behave yourself for deano today!

  87. {a href="web address here"}whatever blurb you want in here{/a}

    don't forget the speechmarks

  88. {a href="web address here"}whatever blurb you want in here{/a}

    don't forget the speechmarks