09 February 2011


Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-G.K. Chesterton


  1. Here's Mr/Mrs (can't make it out frankly) February from The official EDL 2011 Calendar. There's no actual dates, just photos on the calendar as they can't get past the number 3 before shouting MUSLIM DOMINATION! AWOOOGAA!

  2. @13thDuke:

    ”...there's gold in them there hand wringing liberal hills it would appear...”

    I’m going for it!

    Mr Anal Rusbridger
    Guardian News & Media
    Big Shiny Building
    Dogshit Street
    Kings Cross

    Dear Anal

    Please find enclosed my current curriculum vitae in support of my application for the position of Commercial Director, Guardian News & Media.

    I have been working in the media sector for some months now, as a researcher for Laurie Penny, whom you may know. I was educated at Stuffedshirt School, and studied at Toffeenose College, Oxbridge, where I matriculated in the Classics. On leaving university, I spent a year travelling amongst the indigenous peoples of South East Asia, where I had a very close escape from death when a snake nearly crawled up my trouser leg! I like to think that this has given me a unique insight into the nature of global poverty and the importance of respecting the environment.

    After spending two years working in the charitable sector, I started an eco-friendly airline with a small loan from my father, which operated three routes between Kensington and Knightsbridge. I later sold this enterprise to a gentleman from Uganda who assured me via email that he was in receipt of gold bullion reserves from that country worth £27 billion. Unfortunately, this was not one of my better commercial decisions, but my sunny faith in the essential goodness of human nature was not dented by this small reverse and I continue to offer financial support to a number of charities, including a rest home for donkeys, a meerkat zoo in West Sussex, and a Freetrade potato plantation in rural Scotland (or maybe Ireland?).

    All my friends (of whom I have seven on Twitter and on my iPad and my Kindle!) poke fun at me for my liberal instincts, but what else would one expect from hedge fund managers? It’s hardly my fault I’m wealthy, and I have a social conscience the size of China.

    Thank you for your attention in this matter and I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

    Yours sincerely

    S. De Vere Bollinger

    PS Pater passes on his warmest wishes and wonders if you’ll be coming down to Sussex for the shooting weekend at the end of February?

  3. morning

    think you could swing it with free trade potato plantation.......

  4. Noooooooooo!!!!! Lolz Penz killed the studint muvmint wiv her discouragin tweets!!!!! LMFAO!!11 HTH!!!111 RSVP!!11111

  5. well anyone caught the latest wisdom of penz in the new statesmen? need i say more than very topical and radical debate... that of Vajazzeling surely something very high on the agenda of all revolutionaries at the mo.......

  6. Lolz Penz can speak for herself. I have quite dazzling Disco Balls that light up the room when a light is shone on them from underneath. The current Rapid Other just slaps on The Whispers' 'And The Beat Goes On' and we dance the night away.

  7. @gandolfo:

    ”...well anyone caught the latest wisdom of penz in the new statesmen?

    The one about “vajazzling”? Couldn’t make head or tail of it (fnaar).

    I was saying to Jay yesterday, is there any subject in God’s great creation that Lolz feels she’d be unable to knock out a quick 800 words on?

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. Ah, Swifty, we hacks (or sometime hacks) pride ourselves in being able to knock out 800 words on anything at all in minimal time. If it involves opinions rather than facts, then so much the better; opinions are easier to make up.

    That reminds me, I downloaded New Grub Street on the phone last week. Must read that again.

  10. Morning all.


    Best motherfucking thread photo. Ever!!

    Many thanks.

  11. "I was saying to Jay yesterday, is there any subject in God’s great creation that Lolz feels she’d be unable to knock out a quick 800 words on?"

    alas i doubt it......as one of her devout followers states:

    "Your writing continues to inspire. You've really stepped up to the challenges you describe so far - and admirably. Forget the haters, keep believing in your voice. The level of self-awareness displayed in this post would put most journos and writers to shame. Bravo."

    the "self awareness"" of penz does indeed ooze from her pen onto paper...she is my role model.......

    off to get vajazzed now...i think i'll go for revolutionary red rubies on me fanny.....

  12. Trying to follow the Bindel logic on the radical feminism thread. She said she has been misrepresented and quoted her own words: "I will say loud and proud, yes, today I hate men, and will tomorrow and the day after. But only the men who perpetrate these crimes against my sisters, and those who do nothing to stop it."

    Fair enough. But while women are in the majority when it comes to being victims of domestic violence, the ratio - depending on whose statistics you subscribe to - is about 3:1, or even 2:1, female:male victims.

    I don't say this as in a "what about teh menz" spirit, but as a point of logic: if you do nothing to stop women abusing men then surely men are entitled to say "I will say loud and proud, yes, today I hate women, and will tomorrow and the day after. But only the women who perpetrate these crimes against my brothers, and those who do nothing to stop it."

  13. @Peter:

    Understood (and far be it from this opinionated bloody Yorkshireman to cast the first stone) but I still think there must be some area of human life beyond her (or her to-be-relied-upon-for-anecdotage “friends’”) ken... surely?

    Anyway, despite giving the very clear impression that I can’t fucking stand her, I really don’t dislike Lolz – because in an odd way I'm fascinated by her endearingly youthful, “shoot-now-ask-questions-later”, transparent, artless yet utterly determined grab for the limelight.

  14. Eddie - logic is seriously unwelcome on the Grauns fem pieces. Watch yourself, you'll get modded buddy. These *logicists* are frankly disgraceful.

  15. Spend-a-Penny's already in danger of becoming one of those Vietnam Vet type caricatures, who always manages to steer the conversation back to the time when they were 'ambushed by a hun'red Charlie, each with eyes burning with the very light of hell itself'.

    She needs basically one opening paragraph to do this, which can be tweaked ever so slightly to cover just about everything. So, for example, it could go like this:

    Dysentery, the Silent Killer by Laurie Peneeeeeeé

    Now, I know something about living in squalid conditions, and let me tell you, it's no cunting joke!! That time I slept on my friends couch, while that mix-up with the contract on my flat was sorted, was a real eye opener for me, and has given me a deeper, almost visceral understanding of how utterly dangerous poverty can be. This, was not, afterall, a sofabed, but a sofa, and my brush with penury has had such a lasting impression, that I wept today upon seeing the WHO's statistics on worldwide dysentery deaths....."

    All she then need do, is pad it out with a bit of

    "Blah,...blah, blah..."

    Finish it off thusly:

    "......there but for the grace of god go I"

    And the job's a good 'un! Jess'll be *crying* at her desk like nobody's business!!

  16. @Swifty

    Actually, her technique is fascinating from a hackery point of view. As we've seen, her anecdotage is... shall we say adjusted?... to meet the narrative she wants to use. Sometimes this is done carelessly, and individuals recognise themselves and complain about their co-option into Lolz' romantic tale. This addition is then itself absorbed into Lolz' narrative of her own courage and clarity, in comparison to their woolly understanding of their own opinions.

    Then she calls them cunts.

  17. Jay

    I saw your post on the rad fem article and it was a good one.It's very easy for people to dismiss rad fems as being extremists but imo they have had input in policy making in certain areas and that needs to be addressed.

    At least with Bindel and Co they're upfront about their views so you more or less know where you stand with them.Far worse imo are those who embrace rad fem ideoloy but try and disguise it with what they think is a reassuringly sugary coating.The types that tell you that they don't hate men but then express views which suggest that they hold men wholly and collectively responsible for everything and anything that's ever gone wrong in the world.

  18. Its one of CiFs great ironies, Paul, BTL you get plenty of feminists who are sharp, fair, reasonable, and ATL you just get noxious morons. I dont know why they dont trawl BTL to get their fem input and get rid of clowns like BiBuBiBu.

  19. Jay

    Exactly right.Most feminists in society at large are sharp,fair and reasonable as you put it.But too many of those who make up what i call the 'feminist establishment' in this country are either upfront rad fems like Bindel and co or those who embrace a rad fem agenda by stealth.And it is this 'feminist establishment' which imo has had significant input in defining policy in a number of different areas.And it is this 'feminist establishment' which needs to be vigourously challenged.

  20. @bitey

    Oh yes, I'm a terrible conspiracy theorist me. I even believe that Blair conspired with Bush's handlers to invent Iraqi WMDs and Al Qaeda links and lie to the public to justify an invasion of that country for various reasons, not the least of which were oil and Hussein's challenge to the dollar as the international trading currency.

    Tinfoil hat stuff, eh?

    I suppose you trust what you're told by the media so implicitly, bitey, that you haven't considered that Libya might have paid out those sums, etc. because it had been told it had to in order to normalise relations with the West, an ultimatum that I believe is a matter of public record.

    Much in the same way that al-Megrahi was told he couldn't be considered for release unless he dropped his appeal and stopped proclaiming his innocence.

    When individuals make demands like that, we call it blackmail and extortion, but when Stateswelike™ do it, I believe it's called justice and diplomacy.

    Anyway, have a look here and you'll see some of the reasons why lots of legal experts and I are conspiracy theorists.

    911, you ask? Oh, I'm pretty sure Al Qaeda flew planes into buildings.

    Whether it came up with the idea itself and whether those who carried out the plan could have done so without some organisations turning a blind eye is another matter.

    After all, pre-911, the Project for the New American Century did seem to be rather reliant on some terrible outrage being committed against the American people to enable implementation of the steps they wanted to take.

  21. How many Laurie Pennys does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Lightbulb? Lightbulb?? She doesn't have time to change a lightbulb! There's a revolution to be headed, you cunts......

    Why did Laurie Penny cross the road?

    Partly because the 'road' is a patriarchal construct designed to, at least symbolically, keep women oppressed; partly because she's an iconoclast; but mostly because you're a fucking cunt!!!

    OK, I'm done now!!

  22. Best motherfucking thread photo. Ever!!

    Hey, you're welcome, Wallace!

    The types that tell you that they don't hate men but then express views which suggest that they hold men wholly and collectively responsible for everything and anything that's ever gone wrong in the world.

    The same could be said of some of the BTL commenters on feminist threads, though. They spout nothing but whataboutery and then act all indignant if it is suggested that they might not have very nice attitudes towards women.

    From where I sit, I see a helluva lot of men BTL who think that the merest suggestion that women in the "West" might still in general have a harder time in life than men in general is tantamount to being a man-hating feminazi.

  23. Hi guys!

    Re: Laurie penny - she's a tw*t (supply missing vowel of choice - hint one gives a meaning roughly the same as c*nt).

    That's about all there is to say really :)


  24. Hi Montana!

    I agree. Butthen its also true that the vast majority of the human race(male as well as female) will not even approach economic and political equality until we get of this excuse for an economic system. Until then the demand for women's rights, while still needed and is therefore justified, is a transitional demand which can only be achieved by changing that system into one that is designed, not to use most of us to generate profits for the powerful minority but to give us all decent dignified fulfilling lives.

    For who don't know a transitional demand is one that is unlikely to be met in full (e.g. women's rights - achieved but only for a minority of middle class women). This can lead to questioning why this is so and involves a critique of capitalism.

  25. Ok, if nobody else is playing, one more:

    Knock, knock!

    Who's there?

    It's Laurie fucking Penny, you cunts!!

    Now I'm done.....

  26. I'm Denis MacShane and I speak truth to doors.

  27. I may have cracked part of the reason for why I find Lolz Penz so annoying, like a bit of chewing-gum stuck to your shoe.

    I'm free but I'm focused
    I'm green but I'm wise
    I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
    I'm sad but I'm laughing
    I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
    I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

    And what it all boils down to
    Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
    I've got one hand in my pocket
    And the other one is playing the piano

    This was Alanis Morisette's first song which seemed to be played quite a lot.

    The gulping, squealy, hiccuppy, nasal and gratingly delivered lyrics seemed a bit quirky to begin with - when you heard them for the first time and maybe, just about, the second.

    Then they became really, really annoying.

    Then she released "You Oughta Know" and she just seemed like someone who knew how to break into the recording studio on day-release from the asylum.

    What Alanis Moristette was forever doing with her other hand became less intriguing and more: "Bring it over here and let me push it into this machine with sharp whirring teeth - so you will shut the fuck up."

    So, what is Lolz Penz doing with her other hand is now a bit like "Where is the Knitted Character this week?"

    Is she:

    Holding back the tides?
    Releasing the prisoners from the Chinese slave-prisons?
    Conducting Mahler's Fifth Symphony?
    Holding a rippling flag as she takes Iwo Jima?

    Or is she just stuffing it up her cu..[OK thank you for those thoughts - Ed]

  28. But only when I can put in an expenses claim for doing so, and when said door is actually owned by my sister's-friends-cousin's-gerbil who rents it back to me at four times the Market value of a door though......

  29. Atoms,

    haha, indeed.

    And in the same way that we got Jagged Little Pill;

    Acoustic; Unplugged; With Friends; Revisited; with additional panpipes; Live from the back of a Himalayan alpaca, just to squeeze every last drop of commercial possibility from it, I suspect we'll see much the same from our Penz!!

    I for one, cannot fucking wait......

  30. Someone's told you all about my leprosy, haven't they??

  31. James

    I think it is simply because we were all worried when you were not around after the floods, it is nice to just see you gambol around freely and unhindered...

    ...or sumfink.

  32. Yeah, pro'ly summat like that!

    Cheers Atoms!

  33. Interesting perspective on the Egyptian protests and how western interests fit in there from an Iranian writer:

    Crumbling Puppet: Three possibilities in Egypt

  34. I also ordered some sleeping policemen, following SwiftyBoy's suggestion that we "knack" a copper.

    So far, I cannot make head nor tail of how to put them together, let alone how to knack them once that has been achieved.

    There's nothing in the assembly instructions as far as I can see.

    They also seem to be very asleep.

    To the untrained eye, they could be taken for utterly lifeless.

    I'm going to out them in water to see if they grow, like those little slimy sponge dinosaurs.

  35. I think that should have said "put them".

    Although I think one is probably gay, in order to fulfill dicersity requirements.

  36. Fuck me, now it's "dicersity".

    That's what comes of all this leprosy and hand-mincer talk.

    My fingers are retracting to the safety of my palms.

    I give up.

  37. Yeah?

    Try typing when two of your fingers have fallen off...

  38. I like dicersity, I think it's where I learnt the most.

  39. anyone feeling that their voice is being marginalised by the media narrative?

    if so get on to Lolz she needs your experience to write her next article for her.........alas her experience of media marginalisation isn't one......
    oh and if you're "cool" she could do with some of your cool too........didn't cool go out of fash'n with fonzie circa 1976?

  40. Heeeeeeeeeeeeey!!

    *points two finger-guns*

    (The above, if anybody's unclear, is how to do a Fonzie impression on the interwebz!!)

  41. James, James, James... it was two thumbs up.

  42. Yeah, but I'm missing the two fingers, so it's, in effect, the same gesture anyways....


  43. Was Fonzie ever cool, or another example of being told what to think by TV networks?
    500 words. Deadline, Feb 12, 1982

  44. habib

    i mean WTF is "dissent and the production of cool"?

    another nothingness to come out of the gob of lolz.......and they wonder why the left isn't taken seriously.....

  45. A 40 year old man living above a garage, chasing teenage girls wearing a leather jacket? That is cool, right!?

  46. gandolfo,
    "i mean WTF is 'dissent and the production of cool'?"

    I dunno, a good name for a garage band?

  47. james

    i think berlusco models his "cool" on fonz well the teenage girls bit anyway...

    it's the new lolz article still in production waiting to steal other people's life experiences to give it "cred".....'nough said....

  48. gandolfo, people still keep reading her shit? No way!!!

  49. Gandolfo,

    Awwww, Bollocks. That means my last chance of 'success' is a non-starter....

  50. habib

    didn't you know she is the wind beneath the wings of sunny hundal's new left...

    so a few deluded souls still read her shit and take it seriously--alas they think she's rwadical and fan dabby doozy......

  51. james

    fear not you could do action man putin stuff like wrestling with crocodiles.......

  52. Erm, can I keep that as plan D, for now??

    (I reckon it might hurt!)

  53. It's 5pm and I still say it's a quick hour of music required while some commute and others just get busy.

    I'm sorry if you're getting bombarded by this on the radio, but I really like it. It's not amazing, or original (I think it rips off the Kinks and Tom Petty in many ways), but it makes a nice change from the x-factor blandness of the charts.

  54. ok ya wuss!.......all ya gotta do is find out worra do for A,B and C......

  55. Well, I dunno, but preferably something that doesn't jeopardise my remaining fingers though*!!

    *Last phalanges/leprosy based joke, I promise!!

  56. it's on a need to know basis... but how many fingers do you actually have james?

    i guess the pandas (look cute but are real f@ckers) and man-eating tigers are out then....

  57. Afternoon

    Oikborne is telling us all vis a vis the banks, that we must move "from retribution to recovery." (Listening to R4 news) I thought Ed Balls was supposed to be a bit of a rotweiller - his response sounded very meek to me. What a shower of shits they all are!

    Anyway I'm hanging out for some retribution - ideally of the properly biblical variety.

  58. james

    but kick boxing a meerkat....... that should be safe enough.....

  59. Gandolfo,

    Haha - meerkats I can take, I reckon!! We could make it hamsters though, just to be sure, like!!

  60. Locusts, Sheff - I think that feeding them to a plague of locusts would be a beautifully poetic form of revenge.

    James - thought you would be accusing Montana of torturing you with the cheese!

  61. I cannot be the only one who has nurtured the thought that one day soon, there would be a smartly rapid but courteous knock on the door and, when answered, there would stand Dave, Dave and, er, Dave, squirming with excitement and with cheeky little grins on their chubby little faces, hopping from foot to foot and gabbling over each other as they raced to tell me their wonderful secret.

    Just behind the bushes, one of their mothers would be still holding the hankie on which she had so recently spat in order to wipe away the little food stains from around their mouths and dimples.

    If they arrived in Winterval, Dave 3 would have his little mittens dangling from the elastic, threaded through the sleeves of his carelessly unbuttoned overcoat.

    If it was in the Monsoon season, Dave 1 would have one sock crumpled into loosely corrugated folds around his ankle and a graze on his knee and mud and grass skid-marks on his grey shorts, where they had all being playing boisterously.

    Then the little scamps would just blurt it out, all laughing together:

    "We were only kidding! It was a joke! Of course we are going to take the money from the horrid bankers and give it to the poor. Just like in the fairy-tales!"

    Oh, how we would laugh and scamper and shriek for the fun of it all. What larks!

    Which naturally makes me very suspicious about this article:


    Revealed: how the City bankrolls Tory party

    Donations from financiers quadruple in five years

    The Conservative Party has become reliant on bankers, hedge fund managers and private equity moguls for more than half its annual income, an independent analysis of Tory finances has revealed. Since David Cameron became Conservative leader in December 2005, the amount of money the City has given to bankroll the Tories has gone up fourfold, to £11.4m a year. Over those five years, the City has donated more than £42m to the party.

    The research, conducted by the Bureau of Investigative Journalism, highlights how reliant the party has become on the City at a time when David Cameron and George Osborne are under pressure to reform the financial sector.

    Since Mr Cameron assumed the leadership, the Conservative Party has become twice as dependent on City funding: from 25 per cent of its total donations to nearly 51 per cent in 2010.


    Surely Dave and his chums are not going to sell us down the river into the clutches of the wicked bankers.

    They just wouldn't.

    Would they?

  62. yeah good call hamsters don't work in gangs like meerkats.....but the critters have sharp teeth could take your toes out....then you'd really be phalangeal challenged

  63. Sheff

    Yeah, but fair's fair though, innit! I mean, it's one thing to vent a bit at bankers and whatnot at first, but continuing to bear a grudge when the consequences of their fuck up actually start biting, well, that's just petty!!

  64. Apologies if you've read this before, but I just spotted this today. From the Observer, a couple of weeks ago:

    The Observer reports that Swiss whistle blower Rudolf Elmer plans to hand over offshore banking secrets of the rich and famous to WikiLeaks. The offshore bank account details of 2,000 "high net worth individuals" and corporations – detailing massive potential tax evasion – will be handed over to the WikiLeaks organisation in London tomorrow by the most important and boldest whistle blower in Swiss banking history, two days before he goes on trial in his native Switzerland.

    British and American individuals and companies are among the offshore clients whose details will be contained on CDs presented to WikiLeaks at the Frontline Club in London. Those involved include, Elmer tells The Observer, "approximately 40 politicians".

    Elmer, who after his press conference will return to Switzerland from exile in Mauritius to face trial, is a former chief operating officer in the Cayman Islands and employee of the powerful Julius Baer bank, which accuses him of stealing the information.

    Cayman Islands. Which company is it again that's incorporated in a tax avoidance vehicle in the Cayman Islands? No, don't tell me. It'll come to me.

  65. Thaum

    Nah, it was such a pleasant suprise, like when you wake up all bleary eyed to find that Santy Claus has been....


    Yeah, I once had a hamster dangling off my finger for a good 15 minutes, but, I reckon that's why a lack of fingers now would be a good tactical advantage!!

  66. AB

    i saw that article and the monibot one...got to the point that nothing surprises me any more which in itself is frightening.....they are all fucking criminals and don't give a shit about any one apart from themselves and their mates

  67. Rapid

    The Observer reports that Swiss whistle blower Rudolf Elmer plans to hand over offshore banking secrets of the rich and famous to WikiLeaks.

    Wish he'd get a bit of a move on and do it then! I want to see pain, real pain!!


    That tory party bankrolled by the City story was the lead in the groan today too.

  68. Hello everyone; I'm guessing Jezzabelle is rather regretting raising exepectations on Dribly with her hint yesterday of the new big wheeze on CIF.

    What's the odds on an eye-rolling anti-climax?

  69. I read the Swiss bank story elsewhere, so let's hope there are plenty of fuckers keeping within running distance of the lavatory.

    However, nobody would seriously expect anything to come of it.

    Banking and business and tax-fiddling are all parts of the new religion. The one which has jettisoned any silly impediments connected with moral considerations.

    The one Tony Blair will end up running.

    Julian Assange has also said that he has some dirt on the Dirty Digger, but that is also more likely to go up in a puff of smoke than set the world alight.


    Really? Did Lolz cover that one?

  70. Chekhov - I'm expecting a super new function along the lines of the Recommend button - but that is accessible only to Guardian staff - that will sprinkle fairy sparkledust on their favourite posts.

  71. Dear dog ... I've just clicked on the new article about Egypt and the ad at the top of the page features what appears to be an online shoe shop. Apparently they do a wadical shoe that looks like a hiking boot with a stiletto heel.


  72. To be fair, I suspect that you'd find that the city/banks etc would have made very similar, if not matching, contributions to at least Labour, and possibly to the Librul demoocraz too, just to be safe!!

    Our, to put it another way:

    They fuck up - get our money - refuse to lend it back - refuse to give it back - pay each other gazillions in bonuses - then use our money to ensure that our government, whatever colour, make life easier for them, by, *drum roll*, making life difficult for us!!


    *Jazz hands*

  73. chekhov

    Yes, I did glance over there to see if there had been a proclamation.

    I may have mis-read it, but it looked like Little Miss Superficiality was hoping to become the gatekeeper of the new enterprise, checking people's social credentials and running a pen down the list of names before declaring: "I'm so sorry. You don't appear to have been invited."

    As you say, their little puddles of anticipation will soon have to be cleared up with a brusque: "Yes, I knew it was going to be something like this. Splendid idea, JezzaBella. Is it OK if I still pucker up and suck your bottom?"

  74. Was the 'In praise of farting...' thing not the Christmas-cum-Easter-cum-Birthday-cum-Valentines surprise, then!?

  75. Workers and trades unions are now backing the Egyptian uprising all over the country - workers going on strike in Alexandria tomorrow. I am beginning to have real hope, hard as it will, be that they;ll make it. Inshalla.

  76. I told them not to take away his big, shiny blue Cunt badge.

    This, sirrah, means war.

  77. It's a good article, despite the shoe ad. Sheff - have you read it?

  78. RapidEddie

    Yes, like the smoker who has given up or the reformed drinker, the ire and super-concentrated brain-power of the hero of the 18 000 comments is now boiled down and distilled into the bitter liquor of the unrequited lover, er, scorned.

    Maybe that is the announcement JezzaBella is too trembly to make.

    Perhaps ManufacturedInEpsom is going to be made guardian angel of DribblyLand.

    Maybe the wait is only because the graphics department is still trying to photoshop a Walnut Whip into a brown turd with a nose stuck on top as the new symbol for his role.

  79. Right, I'm off to drink a bottle of bleach!!

    253 fucking followers!! Jaysus Christ!!

  80. Set up a Twitter account. Can't think of anything to tweet. Still, it doesn't seem to stop everyone else.

  81. James


    Give him a few weeks and he will overtake Lolz (thousands) and The Guardian (millions).

    He will be heading an international media empire to topple Murdochs.

    Anyway, I'm going out to fuck about.

  82. I could always throw insults at MartynInContinent whenever he sticks his tongue up a Graun hack's arse. @martyrinprogress Oh do fuck off, you cunt [© lolpenz 2011].

  83. Atoms,

    Yup, 253!! That's, well, exactly 252 more than me!!

    Goodbye, cruel world!!

  84. Eddie,

    From experience, I can tell you that the Twitter blocking software is quick, brutal and effective!!

    (If you're reading this Keith Chegwin, you're still a cunt...)

  85. I'll follow you, James.

    That sounded vaguely homoerotic didn't it?

  86. Right, that's me off too.

    Have a good evening folks.

  87. Who needs Ms Chin? I just broke teh internet.

  88. The TUC and Amnesty have organised a demo in Trafalgar Sq for Sat 12 Feb in solidarity with the people of Egypt

    In solidarity and defiance

    I've got me ticket and hope other UTers who are near enough to London will go too. Meet you by N's column 12 noon - I'll be the slightly mad one.

  89. Eddie,

    That's very kind of you, but the one follower is my mum, so unless you really want regular assurances that I am, indeed, wearing clean underwear, or my justifications/excuses for why she hasn't, yet, got a grandchild, you may regret that gesture!!

  90. There you go, I'm following you now, waiting for that all important first tweet!!

    No pressure.....

  91. James, I'm still struggling with the basics. If I make up a @usernamejustforthesakeofit, will Twitter spit it back at me, saying "No such user? I'm just thinking it might be a useful rhetorical device.

    And can I start a #albinocamelporn and if so, how will anybody know it's there?

  92. James

    That's very kind of you, but the one follower is my mum, so unless you really want regular assurances that I am, indeed, wearing clean underwear, or my justifications/excuses for why she hasn't, yet, got a grandchild, you may regret that gesture!!

    You are obviously going about this in the wrong way.

    My mother has been well convinced that she need not look to me for any grandchildren.

    Think it was the constant deluge of comments like, "I'd rather be a devoted admirer of LolPenz' tweets for the rest of my natural life than be anywhere in sticky-finger proximity to a small child", and "if that thing gets any closer I'm going to rip its head off".

    Subtle, James. You must be subtle.

  93. Not sure about the username thing, I'm still fairly cack-handed with it myself.

    I'm pretty sure you can do any hashtag though, but, yeah, the chances of getting #albinocamelporn to 'trend' might be on the small side!! I guess the tweet'll just sit somewhere in the interweb until such time that the world is ready to embrace albino camel porn!?

  94. Did anyone else see "What will become of Israel if Muburak falls?"

    What a loathsome scraping of worm-infected, pus-streaked dogshit Amos Harel is.

  95. Thaum,


    Thing is though, I'm an only child, and therefore her only chance. In fact, as it turns out, the grandkid thing is my last chance to prove that I'm not 'without a doubt, the worlds greatest disappointment'!!

  96. I set up a twitter account to follow what is going on in Egypt as so much info from the front line is being spread by twitter. within the first day I had four followers - don't know who the fuck they are, or why they're following me - weird.

  97. Evening all

    Brain dead again. Horrible, horrible day trying to sort out people's divorce financial settlements. What I hate is that the men in our Chambers are allowed to say "Oh, I don't like Family Law, so I'm not doing it". Last time I tried saying that I was told how much they relied on me, that it would be unfair to chuck it in, blah blah blah. I fucking hate it.

    Seriously. Do. Not. Give. A. Shit. About. The. Relatively. Wealthy. And. Their. Childish. Money. Arguments.


    Need a drink.

  98. spike

    how about the vince cable piece.........? as they say here culo in faccia......literally arse in his face.......low life

  99. Sheff, a friend of mine is a journo/blogger in Egypt!

    Her tweets/retweets/pieces have been quite good, and certainly more informative than many of the so called pro's (many of whom appeared to have been cowering in hotel rooms for much of the last week!!)

  100. Hey all

    Just going to catch up a bit, but had very sad event last night, had to say goodbye to my beloved Ginger Tom cat, Sir Chester, 17 years old, part of our lives for 14 years. Had to be put to sleep :(

  101. I must get around to signing up to twitter one of these days. It is what all the young people do. I thought I was cool and hip having a facebook account, but that is so last decade, it seems.

    Love the bit in the news today about rozzers complaining that they can't cope with all this new fangled technology when it comes to kettling people - sorry, that should be "crowd control". Must be so frustrating if you plan on keeping people standing in the freezing cold for 6 or 7 hours to teach them a lesson and the buggers refuse to turn up where you expect them... :o)

  102. James,

    You are going to have to plead a serious concern for world over-population.

    There are three of us. Number three as well as myself (number one) have vocally eschewed the child-bearing idea. Number Two, who is perfectly happy with her dog, has been less vocal and is therefore getting all the pressure.

    Be strong.

  103. Giving you lots of hugs, LaRit. RIP Sir Chester x

  104. Evening. That Monbiot article discussed yesterday was indeed a total shocker. Fucking utter twats. In fact speaking of which just seen that pasty faced little arsewipe Danny Alexander justifying the governments ''harsh'' treatment of the banks on Four news. They are always wheeling him out - nasty little enabler.

    Sheff and MsC - there is a Union organised demo in march (think it is the saturday before the big one in London) in Sheffield - quite a few groups will be there, students, UK Uncut, the Greens etc. Do you fancy it?

    Did you go to Barnsley? Sorry I couldn't come have had a bad week or so.

    Sheff I am like you - quietly optimistic re Egypt but also so scared for the people and what will happen to them if the military are brought in and go on the offensive. What could happen to those people is too awful to contemplate. Their bravery is amazing.

  105. LaRit - So sorry about Sir Chester. It is so hard losing a beloved pet. Big hugs. xx

  106. BB

    What I hate is that the men in our Chambers are allowed to say "Oh, I don't like Family Law, so I'm not doing it". Last time I tried saying that I was told how much they relied on me, that it would be unfair to chuck it in, blah blah blah.

    Never reckoned you for such a pushover. ;-)

    Read ... my ... lips ...: I'm not doing it!


    All my sympathy about Sir Chester. :-(

    {{{{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  107. I read that article Thaum - a good one.


    So sorry about your lovely old mog - its horrible when they go.

  108. Thaum,

    It's not necessarily that I don't want them, it's more that in the big, worldwide dating/genepool supermarket, I seem to be flogging a product that nobody's buying:

    "Thing is, James, if we have kids, there's at least a 50% chance they'll be a ginner. I mean, that's just cruel, isn't it!?"


  109. Sheff, if you think you're cool enuff to hang wiv the UT Twatter posse, you'll find me here and James's laundry updates close by.

    Still have tweeter's block. #thisshitisntaseasyasitlooks.

  110. Rapid

    Am now following you and James - so tweet me something. I'm happyhavoc by the way, in case you wondered.

  111. Hah. Would that it were that easy, Thaum. You upset your clerks and they will give you all the shite work that nobody else wants to do to teach you a lesson. OK, mine are not as evil as some, but it can happen...


  112. Hi PCC - long time no see! Hope you are keeping well. xx

    And hi to everyone else I appear to have ignored. I am not ignoring you, honest, just reading and muttering to myself about the state of the world.

  113. Don't worry Sheff, I think I can just about identify every single one (a.k.a. both) of my many followers. Can lolpenz say that?

    Oh! I just had an idea...

  114. Twitter's just odd. I created an a/c some time back to see what all the fuss was about and ended up with people I've never heard of and want nothing to do with following me. I've never quite got to grips with it - maybe because I can't be arsed to tweet...?

  115. Hi Shaz, well as James says, the block function there is fairly effective. Just kick out the dross (they already assume your account is inactive) and keep it to those you want to follow and be followed by.

    As Groucho Marx said about friends, "The ones I like, I keep."

    As for not tweeting, you can just follow the twitterings of others. Bidisha's are smouldering and enigmatic. "Women's literary genius: ignored in England, found in Italy." Whatever could she mean?

  116. laRit

    sorry about Sir Chester ripe ol' age though.....love gingers i had one that humped anything despite being ball-less

  117. I actually quite like Twitter. Mainly because:

    a) I've got quite a short attention span
    b) I'm quite lazy, and
    c) slebs now have to balance their overwhelming need for validation and adoration with the fact that a bazillion people can call them cunts within a second of them giving an update on what they've just had for their tea!!

    That, my friends, is the future, right there....

  118. Okay, theuntrusted hashtag is up and running like lolpenz for a freelance cheque. Next question. Can you 'follow' a hashtag from your account/home page or do you have to type the term into the search box every time?

  119. As for not tweeting, you can just follow the twitterings of others. Bidisha's are smouldering and enigmatic. "Women's literary genius: ignored in England, found in Italy." Whatever could she mean?

    Can't imagine... :o)

    (@FoalyTheCentaur btw, if anyone wants to be twitmates)

  120. Depends on what you're using!!

    On my iPod app, you can save searches, but you can always just click on the hashtag, which should be in blue, and go straight to whichever corner of Twitter we've been assigned for #theuntrusted!!

  121. How quickly things are changing. Some questions people in Tahrir Sq are asking themselves

    "Why do 40 % of Egypt's population live under poverty line, while one thousand families control Egypt's wealth?"

    A mechanic from the Nile Delta wants to know why he was brought up to fear the Muslim Brotherhood.

    A group of Copts have gathered to pray. They want to know why Baba Shenouda, the Coptic Patriarch, supports Mubarak.

    A majority of Muslims surround them, and a boy is asking why it has taken him so long to have a conversation with a Christian.

  122. Okay Shaz, you're now officially befriended/twitmated/stalked.

    I'll know I've made it when P-Brax is hanging on my every twitmumbling.

  123. somethings haven't changed in donkeys years, sadly

    "We had to struggle with the old enemies of peace–business and financial monopoly, speculation, reckless banking, class antagonism, sectionalism, war profiteering. They had begun to consider the Government of the United States as a mere appendage to their own affairs. We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob."

    Franklin D. Roosevelt
    October 31, 1936

  124. It's okay BB - I didn't think you were ignoring me. I am fine thanks just shattered and bit run down at mo.

    Sorry you had a bad day workwise. Have a nice big glass of red!

  125. This comment has been removed by the author.

  126. Shaz

    Found you - do let me trip along behind you...

  127. Sheff, go to "Who to follow" at the top of the page and click on it. Type Shaz's username (see upthread) into the box that says 'find users by name' and click search.

    Bob's your uncle (and a patriarchal oppressive bastard to boot)!

  128. shaz
    i am stalking you with "helenabalena"........

  129. Hello, Eddie & Sheff... trip and welcome!

  130. aha - wondered who that was - hi gandolfo!

  131. Eddie,

    The square arrows squiggle is retweet, I think. There is a way you can retweet and add your own incisive comment too (like, 'cunt'), but I haven't figured that out yet, and have just ended up retweeting some stuff, sans 'cunt', when it really, really needed to be added!

  132. Damn, Sheff's too quick for me! Think I've solved the hashtag thang after a fashion.

    1. Put - for example - "theuntrusted" into the search box.

    2. Save the search (option given at top of results list).

    3. The term appears in future on a dropdown menu under the searches tab on the home page.

    Damn, twattering is teh difficult.

  133. Why can I re-tweet some things and not others (e.g. like the demo thing?).

    Ah...I think I can't re-tweet from a user with a protected tweets account. Can cut and paste instead, I suppose. I'll try it now.

  134. oh seems very complicated to me even though i've stalked james, eddie, shaz and sheff now......

  135. bloody hell, twittering is a knackering business...am on your case gandolfo.

  136. If you're using a proper computer, and not a bag of shit fruit-themed handheld thing like me, tinyurl.com is pretty useful for posting links to stuff, like YouTube and articles and whatnot....

  137. bbc 24 is most amusing tonight. There appears to be a queue forming of people waiting to tell the coalition that they're a bunch of incompetent twats. It's great.

  138. Funnily enough Sheff, that 3arabawy guy you just retweeted is one of the people that the friend I referred to earlier has been retweeting, and he follows her etc.

    Small world, innit!!


  139. 6 % of separation is the max James.....

  140. It's quite heartening in a way, I feel....

  141. Gave a link to this earlier, but the spam bin ate it. A view from an Iranian writer of the possible outcomes in Egypt: Crumbling puppet - three possibilities in Egypt.

    Other articles on the site include 'How to use an Iranian toilet' and 'Bad girl sex.' I'm thinking it's possibly not hosted in Iran.

  142. It may not be Twitter - I am on there, somewhere, but I've forgotten my name - but the excellent (if somewhat over-libertarian) David Thompson has been giving his attention to our Lolz' output. The results are here and here.

    "Readers familiar with Ms Penny’s brand of activist journalism... may find her use of the words “accurate” and “objectivity” inadvertently amusing."

  143. @gandolfo

    The Vince Cable article is a tissue of despicable lies, but then that's what we expect of him.

    * * *

    I joined Twitter a few months back, couldn't immediately work out how it worked and so forgot about it. Is it worth going back to?

  144. Egyptian torturers trained by FBI

    If/When this revolution is successful there'll be some very interesting info coming out the woodwork.

  145. Come and join us spike....it moves at a rate of knots though. I'm having trouble keeping up.

  146. FYI though, don't use #fucking in your tweets.

    Turns out that's pretty much exclusively a hashtag for peddlers of porn, which, thinking about it now, I probably could have guessed!!

    Still, live and learn and all that.....

  147. @Sheff

    Oh, all right. I'll try and find myself and start following you all.

  148. Can someone dig my last linky post out of the sin bin, please?

  149. How does the whole hashtag thing work? Too damn lazy to look it up...

  150. same here shaz don't "get it" i am genetically half luddite though.......the other half just plain thick.....

  151. Right. I notice that I made one tweet in 2008, and have acquired 13 followers since. Cool.

    (That, or they must be confusing me with someone else of the same name.)

  152. Oh, bloody great, so you lot are all buggering off into "Twatterland" are you?

    Well thanks for the chat....*goes off to sulk in the corner*!

    BTW: once you finally realize who your real friends are you might like to come back and give a reasoned opinion on this:http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/09/opinion/09dowd.html?ref=opinion

  153. I'm plain thick too, gandolfo... possibly more than half, though!

  154. Chekhov... don't know about reasoned opinion, but it made me spit wine over my newly restored laptop!

  155. For hashtag, you stick a # in front of a word, or phrase, and then all tweets containing said phrase appear in one place when you click on it. Eddie started a #theuntrusted tag, for example.

    Unfortunately, the world being what it is, you won't find many #thecoalitionareallcunts tags in twitterville, but there will be eleventy gazillion variations of #justinbeiberrocksmylittleworld!!

    C'est a vie!!

  156. @chekhov

    Father Scheidt? Really?

  157. info on hashtags here if the link works

  158. Spike, I think Twatter is worth it if you know a few people who you can shoot the shit with. Plus it's worth following a few public figures with summat to say. I'm following David McWilliams, the Irish economist who said in 2003 how the Irish property bubble was going to end up. I want to get a reasonably realistic take on just how fucked we are for the future.

  159. BTW2: still no news from Dribley about the latest fascinating initiative (no doubt 'cos it's more thank likely to be deeply embarrasing and therefore also risible).

    May be CIF has brokered a deal to be sponsored by "CIF" the household cleaning cream which used to be called "JIF" or maybe it's the other way around and Dribley is sponsoring "CIF"!

    Confused? Not as much as I am!

  160. Is pagination vajazzling for comments? Pajazzling?

  161. Oops, sorry Shazz, didn't mean to sabotage your new laptop.

  162. not new, Chek - had to have a new hard drive tho. That's why I've not been around for a bit...

  163. James

    How did you get the four of us up on that last tweet you sent?

  164. This comment has been removed by the author.

  165. @PeterJ
    "Father Scheidt? Really?"
    Sorry Peter, that went completely over my head. Must have missed something...care to enlighten me?

  166. Sheff,

    on my iPod, when I hold reply, it gives me a 'reply all' option! Dunno about on a computer though!


    Cheese and pickle'll do nicely, thanks

    And Everyone else,

    Off for a spot of dinner. Have a good night all....

  167. james

    twas fantasy on my part as no pickle in these 7 hills...and only parmesan......sure shaz, sheff or eddie will provide.....i'll bring the grappa.....

  168. I have some wicked pickled onions...

  169. Meanwhile, in "Don't Stop Clapping News":


    Senior Lib Dem sacked for criticising controversial deal for bankers

    Coalition tensions over bankers’ bonuses have been laid bare with the sacking of a senior Liberal Democrat who criticised a controversial deal announced by George Osborne.

    Lord Oakeshott, a close ally of Vince Cable, the Business Secretary, was last night removed from his post as the Lib Dem spokesman on Treasury issues.

    His departure from the post came after he condemned the Coalition’s agreement with the banking industry as inadequate and accused Mr Osborne’s team of “arrogance and incompetence”.
    Under the deal with the industry, the heads of the taxpayer-backed high-street banks will receive multi-million pound pay and bonus packages for last year.

    The Chancellor said it was time to move from “retribution to recovery” and agreed to water down laws which would have identified multi-million pound bank traders.


    Perhaps it won't be long before we will have the pleasure of hearing ConDem MPs, when gathered together, spitting through gritted teeth: "Don't break rank! Don't break fucking rank! Hold the line!"

    Four more years must feel like a fucking long time stretching before them.

    They are even telling police to expect rioting to become a constant feature of the landscape.

    OK Daves, you are the winners!

    It took Mrs Thatcher years to create such civil unrest and strife that people had to superglue their kerbstones and cobbles to the ground for fear of having them ripped up by demontrators.

    You have achieved all this in just a few short months.

    Now fuck off and die.

  170. His departure from the post came after he condemned the Coalition’s agreement with the banking industry as inadequate and accused Mr Osborne’s team of “arrogance and incompetence”.

    Well. The last thing you can do is tell the truth, clearly. You'd think they really believed that no-one else in the country has noticed.

  171. Back. Briefly.

    Shaz, I don't know why your hashtag didn't work, or rather, why it links to #theuntrusted, but without actually joining your tweet to it.
    I'll look into it tomorrow (it's my day on the #propercomputer)!!


    ahah - I managed to sneak a decent sized jar of pickle past customs last time*, so I'm good for a while, just need to find some effing cheese to go with it!!

    Also, is one of you people occasional Guardian contributor and freelance journalist, Cath Elliot?


    #denismacshanenude tweet was hilarious!!


  172. I don't want to appear picky or pedantic, but isn't 99 times out of 100 vajazzling actually glittering up the pubic mound/mons pubis/mons veneris/monte carlo?

    As such, technically it's not dazzling up the vaj at all. So to base an entire article around the premise that it's a sense of "sexual shame" that makes women prettify their giblets is in fact a load of (big, besequinned) bollocks.

    And some men, apparently, shave their plums. It makes your todger look bigger. Er, so I've heard.

  173. I've got a bit carried away with the whole hashtag thing there, haven't I?!

    Anyways, definitely off now.

    Night folks!!

  174. Atomboy

    Now fuck off and die.

    My sentiments entirely!Some parts of this country are a tinderbox with seething underlying tensions which could explode at any time.Yet the mainstream political classes are so insulated from reality they really don't have a clue what's going on at grass roots level in many working class neighbourhoods.And when things do kick off and 'Middle England'has a collective attack of the vapours 'Call me Dave' and 'Turncoat Clegg' will no doubt appear ashen faced in front of the equally out of touch media and blame the unrest on 'criminal elements etc.And whilst part of this not so green and pleasant island burn Ms Reed will no doubt be enthusing about the latest ATL cif piece on fuckin' book covers.

  175. @Paul:

    "I was wondering about that earlier when i had a look in on waddya.That MsReed is a big tease if you ask me ,stringing people along like this.I reckon the 'Big Idea' may be something along the lines of a Waddya Talent Competition.Would certainly give the likes of MIE the opportunity of airing his castanets!"

    Jezzabella isn't a tease, she is just a fuckwit and her "logic" resounds with "fuckwittery"...the reasons why this site thrives are all combined with people not listening to conventional ideologies and being smart enough to know that the shit we are or have been sold is just a bunch of crap!

  176. James - thanks, Cath E said it was because my a/c was locked - have unlocked it & it worked. Don't know if she's been over here, she's MsWoman on the Graun.

  177. Paul

    Yet the mainstream political classes are so insulated from reality they really don't have a clue what's going on at grass roots level in many working class neighbourhoods.

    Absolutely right.

    Do any of them even canvass any more, when the cameras are not watching?

    Anyway, off to bed now so best wishes to all.

  178. Apologies for deleting my post and thanks for your response chekhov.I'm afraid one of my stranger quirks is to delete posts when i've made the sort of grammatical errors etc which piss me off.Totally irrational i know given i doubt anyone here gives a fuck.Dunno whether it's a form of cyber OCD !

    @Nite Atomboy

  179. Well, I'll give Twitter a go again when present problems are over.

    Got my latest test results back, not good at all. Saw my other specialist today and she's calling tomorrow morning about an appointment for another CAT scan and to see a third specialist. She also said I should have been hospitalised in December and doesn't understand why my GP and the A&E doctor didn't have me banged up in a hospital bed over Christmas. Anyway, all in all, I'm certainly getting my money's worth out of the French health service at the moment. It all makes me feel far more decrepit than I should do at my age.

    Never mind. I just hope I'm sorted in time to come to England on 17.3.

  180. Spike, sorry to hear about your results - hope they sort it all out for you...

  181. Sorry things are pretty rough for youSpike.Take care mate!

  182. @Paul; I try to get my grammar and spelling correct but it's not the end of the World if you fuck up now and again on a blog!

  183. Sorry I'm missing a really good thread by the looks of things.... and thanks for all the condolences. Feeling pretty ruff about the Big Ginge..... :(

  184. I will try to compose a pome about Cheese to cheer myself up :)

  185. I wandered lonely as a Brie... that goes so well with bread and wine... when all at once I saw a plate... a plate of creamy Camembert...
    (apologies to W. Wordsworth)

  186. Bon Soir mes amis; you reprobates make life worth living!

  187. Bon soir, Chek et tous - and sorry to hear your news, La Rit.

  188. Spike:

    Hope you're OK. :) Sorry to hear you've had disappointing news.

    K - am off to bed.

    Tweets later, all you cool Puddy Cats

    PS Atom n Eddie n Habib - I have much appreciated the chuckle brothers' contributions today.

  189. Quick Catch up.....

    Best wishes Spike

    Night all.

  190. Virtual hugs to LaRit & Spike.

    Fourteen years! Cinnamon has only been part our family for a year now and already I can't imagine how empty this flat would feel without her. :-(

  191. La Rit, I missed your post. Very sorry to hear about Sir Chester.

    Thanks everyone and goodnight!

  192. Shaz - good to see you and thanks ;) ... (ps I'm shit at Twitter)x

    Montana - good evening and good noght at the same time, exhausted :( hope the weather is warming up? Yep, 14 years..... me and Mr LaRit both very sad. We still have 2 more Cat critters who we love v. much but a little light has gone out in the world.

  193. Since cheese was the standpoint here's a classic "cheese"sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0

  194. Hi LaRit

    Have only just read about the loss of your pet.I'm so sorry cos i know how attached you can get to them.And the loss of a much loved pet can hurt every bit as much as the loss of a much loved human.Take care x

  195. No nightshift tonight?

    Oh well here's a track from the Miles Davis cover of Porgy and Bess for anyone lurking.

  196. http://www.newscientist.com/blogs/onepercent/2011/02/police-forces-in-the-uk.html

    Worth a look.

    Responding to today's HMIC report, the developers behind Sukey offered to work with police in an effort to enable peaceful protests. "Our work coincides entirely with the police goal of preserving public order, and the public's concern of staying safe at protests."