06 March 2009

Well, let's just talk about the mods, then...

Scherfig's back with the troops.  Sarka managed to find something offensive to say about Michelle Obama's arms.  Let's just talk about those wacky mods, eh?

162 comments:

  1. Ooh! A virgin thread. Where shall I start? For me, this is the most telling comment on the whole question of moderation, coming as it did at the very end of the thread.

    Since then, any request to discuss it has been ignored or deleted. I'd have thought a thread calling itself "You tell us: what do you want to talk about?" Would have to accept such requests as on-topic, yet: " *
    martillo

    28 Feb 09, 6:25pm
    This comment has been removed by a moderator. Replies may also be deleted.

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  2. Yeah, well, I'm just going to preserve this here, because you know it's never going to last:

    martillo
    07 Mar 09, 8:40am (26 minutes ago)

    I suppose it's lucky for posterity that Churchill and others did not have a bunch of humourless censors with itchy delete button fingers. "madam, you are ugly ..." etcetera would never have reached us.


    Good morning, Martillo!

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  3. Mornin' ma'am, how are you this fine day? Do you really think they'll zap that one? I'm betting it'll stay.

    By the way, maybe sometime we could do an 'unkindest cut' thread, where people mourn the loss of a great post. Ah sod it, I'll start it here: I nominate thedamntheral's comment on (I think) an Ariane Sherine thread. It went something like "Pinks or browns? That's a whole other question". Even as he was modestly accepting the plaudits it was zapped. I felt his pain.

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  4. martillo

    Do you do crosswords? Check out post number one on the Toynbee thread. I've finally done it. Mind you one of them might read this and remove it now.

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  5. I do indeed, Monkeyfish, which is how I got there before you (heh heh!)

    Congratulations anyway...

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  6. AAaarrghhhh....*!!*^^!!(sound of the monitor screen expoloding.

    PS

    It only counts if it's the first post. Did I forget to mention it? Check the rule book. Paragraph 43a part ii.

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  7. Fair enough, you win. There's another one I'd like to share with you but...

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  8. can you let the non-crossword au fait intellectual pygmies in on yr joke lads?

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  9. And about sarka's deleted post I can't remember what it said but I remember being quite shocked when I read it as it was quite out of character for the usually mild mannered sarka... it was spittingly angry I seem to recall... not that that means it should have been deleted...

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  11. So it's a question of being crossword-smart: I'll offer you a clue and myself within it.

    Ooh, I just modded myself. That felt good!

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  12. den katalavaino christo paidia!
    Still don't get the joke... I know I'm slow but can you not just spell it out to me? Just checked MF's 1st comment on Pol thread and still can't make no sense of it (weeps bitterly in frustration)
    Anyways... as an aside... as this is a thread about the mods could someone not go on some wildly inappropriate cif thread and dare a mod to come over here for a wee chat about moddin issues? Sure to be deleted, I know, but would be interesting to see if we could lure one of them out of their lair (might that have been an anonymous mod on the 1st thread here?)... I volunteer either MF or scherfig to do the dirty!

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  13. It's not a childish game, it's good clean adult fun! If I remember your job correctly, you must have seen a word search or 2.

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  14. 'mods You deleted my joke! That was about as PC a joke as it gets! ffs....
    Right, I challenge any one of you to come over to Montanawildhack's blogspot to discuss you're capricious ways - seeing as you'll brook no discussion ever about the blasted modding - if you have any honour.
    (throws down gauntlet)'

    have just posted this on Dave Hill's thread.....

    Martillo - WHICH words?

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  15. kiz

    Here's my post...

    "From a seminar at usc, any thoughts Pol? www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/article (7)"

    The 'From' indicates you're looking for a string of letters from what follows which make a word associated with Polly Toynbee. The (7) indicates that it's seven letters long.

    This is martillo's....

    "The country is being ground down. Some people think they're being thrown out with the detritus. Can you blame them?"

    Although martillo's isn't in classic crossword format and wasn't at the top of the thread and so barely worthy of consideration, I've included it for illustrative purposes.

    It's a word that is otherwise verboten on a Toynbee thread and I've been trying to get it to stick for ages. It acts like a red rag to the moderators.

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  16. Oh shit. I've just remembered you've invited a moderator on here.

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  17. Ok MF.. got yrs... well easy once given the all too straightforward clue... still don't get martillo's though... is the end result the same verboten word?

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  18. Yep

    "The country is being ground down. Some people think they're being thrown out with the detriTUS. CAN You blame them?"

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  19. Sad, isn't it. It's not like I even listen to radio 4, do up old steam engines or collect shit. It's become a point of honour though.

    Strange thing is I kinda like Polly (believe she was a right little raver in her day-it's just virtually everything she says and thinks I take issue with) and I doubt she enforces the ban herself but part of her charm is that she's probably too 'focussed' realise just what a hypocrite she constantly makes herself.

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  20. Errr Duh? Ok... hands up... I'm a wee bit fick...
    very funny gentlemen... jolly good sport...

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  21. "Although martillo's isn't in classic crossword format and wasn't at the top of the thread and so barely worthy of consideration, I've included it for illustrative purposes."

    You bastard! Now I'm not going to tell you about the time I slipped Bidisha one. Kizbot put me up to it too...

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  22. Did I? How?
    Not that it's in any way beyond the realms of possibility...

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  23. oh I'm loving this game.

    Watch out for future contributions to PT threads. Normally I can't be arsed.

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  24. Never mind the mods - here's a story about crosswords. My brother's wife worked with a woman whose father (a retired RUC policeman from Belfast) was very interested in crosswords, specifically the jumbo times crossword on a saturday, (which I love myself). He got in contact with my brother (a times crossword afficianado) and it became a regular thing that Roy would ring to my brother every Tuesday evening and discuss the clues, answers, logic etc from last Saturday's puzzle. And they would, of course, also discuss other things - sometimes they would talk for a couple of hours. Roy has talked about fellow police officers who were killed by snipers, and others that were injured by RPG's and petrol bombs etc. And sometimes they would talk about Gram Parsons or Greek mythology or smoking dope. But mostly they talked about the crosswords. They've been doing this for 10 years now, and they've never actually met each other, but every Tuesday they talk to each other on the telephone.

    This may sound sentimental, but in a small way this restores my faith in people, and makes me think that the world we live in is not so totally fucked up as we sometimes believe.

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  25. Reading back again, I feel that I've brought this thread down a bit. Sorry if's that the case - fuck it. Montana, behind the shed sounds good, you bring the cakes and I'll ....turn up.

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  26. "You bastard! Now I'm not going to tell you about the time I slipped Bidisha one."

    Oh big deal martillo. We've all done that. Sure we had a laugh but she kinda took it personally when I didn't give her a call afterwards. I ruined her for other men...believe she's off them all together now. That's why I'm not allowed to post on her threads...just too painful. She's trying to blank out the memory of me...told the mods to wipe out every post.

    I've told her it's not the answer. If she's ever gonna achieve closure she's just gotta accept that I'm spoken for. For all Mrs Fish's faults her post-feminist take on the contemporary cultural Zeitgeist leaves Bidisha looking like a rank schoolgirl amateur.

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  27. No, scherfig, you haven't brought it down at all. That would make a fucking great short story, maybe even a novel. In fact unless you claim it fast, it's mine.

    You don't remember daring me to repeat a comment on B's celibacy thread, Kizbot?

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  28. Gosh, this place was busy today. We Americans are too thick for British-style crosswords. I wish we (or I, at least) weren't - they seem so much more fun.

    Scherfig - see you behind the shed, then, luv!

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  29. monkeyfish, martillo. Great stuff on the crosswords! Slipping tuscany into Polly's stuff like a femme fatale spiking James Bond's martini. BTW have you ever read Polly's 1973 blockbuster "A Working Life?" Sadly no longer in print, but its harrowing account of Polly's low paid work as an ordinary person back in the day would make anyone without a heart of stone weep with laughter (apologies to Wilde and Dickens). The Guardian said of this masterpiece in 2003: "Thirty years ago Polly Toynbee took a series of menial jobs to investigate life for Britain's lowest-paid workers." They forgot to add that she fucked off to Tuscany shortly afterwards. And that's irony - boom! boom!


    I foresee other challenges on the crossword front. Who could slip "bitter lesbian" into Bindel's threads? eg. anagrammatically - ..table in tribes.. - get that in a sentence! Who has the ingenuity to obliquely call Ariane Sherine a secret god-botherer who hates busses?

    This is all perhaps unecessarily complicated, but suggestions as to how to subvert threads by using crossword techniques might prove entertaining. And challenging! Of course, if there's a mod on this thread, it doubles the danger and increases the difficulty. What fun!

    martillo - you're welcome to write the short story, I'd love to read it. I've already pitched a storyline to Hollywood (I'm talking Sleepless in Seattle crossed with Brokeback Mountain). That covers most of the target cinema audience, I think. Megabucks for me!

    monkeyfish - you are a bastard to have treated bidisha like you did. Sure, you had a laugh, but it is obvious that you really hate all women. You, sir, are a confounded mysooginyst! Does Mrs Fish know this?

    montana, you're so sweet. Shed, cakes, and I'll bring my Roget's Thesaurus - we can synonymize together.

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  30. Come on, Montana! You have cryptic crosswords over there. I learnt to do them with a friend and his parents. I became so addicted that I would stand on the South Bank at half time and do them with my mate Charlie.

    My post is still there...

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  31. martillo - Cryptic crosswords may exist over here, but they're certainly not very common. The NYT crossword is generally considered the best, but it's not cryptic.

    Scherfig - how about "tastier nibble"? That might be easier to work into a sentence. But synonymize? Really? Damn. I thought we'd just shag.

    Some nice work on the Victoria Coren thread today.

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  32. Got deleted on the Erwin James thread yesterday,"We should try rehabilitating 'lifers'"

    This was the post:

    Erwin:
    "I think we should be grateful that many more than the 65 referred to by the government have not already committed further serious offences."

    Me:
    What the fuck are you on about now?

    Which I thought was fair comment.

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  33. Worst thing was I was deffo gonna get my best ever recommends.

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  34. In premod. Not even sure why. Not really sure I care any more.

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  35. Move over, Monkeyfish; me too. Snout? Did you get that clue, btw?

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  36. Are you both in pre-mod? That sounds a bit suspicious? Do you think any mods might be stalking this blog? And they got you both for the crossword wheeze? Or is there another possible infraction of the rules that got you sent down... Do they have pre-mod quotas? ie there must be so many chaps in pre-mod... does seem to be chaps mostly, too... I mean my pre-mod only lasted 5 posts... and I've never heard of another woman even getting it...

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  38. kiz

    "Do you think any mods might be stalking this blog?"

    Well...they were invited! :)

    Mind you, didn't you ask then over to explain a deletion? Seems they're just snooping around looking for reasons to incarcerate posters. Cif is turning into a police state...wouldn't surprise me if they're watching us right now.

    martillo

    Where? Although, if it's one they haven't noticed yet you've probably just earned yourself another couple of days. Maybe cryptic posts are against the rules? btw I'm having the top bunk. Very much see myself as Fletch to your Godber ;)

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  39. Ha ha, montana. You straightforward Americans!

    Shag (v.t.): copulate, make love, fuck, fornicate, screw, etc etc
    Shag (n): mass of hair, tobacco, green cormorant.

    “Synonymize” as a euphemism – discuss.

    Kizbot – 5 posts is pre-mod lite. I got 8 days and am none the wiser, but who cares anyway? Unless, of course, the mods succeed in having more posters in pre-mod than running around outside free to express their guardian-acceptable views.


    Birmingham’s best football team to hold pre-season training in Firenze? (5,2,7)

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  40. It's true kizbot. Inevitable I suppose, after so many years.

    Here it is, monkeyfish: "Tuck up congregation to catch one involved in false allegations. (10)"

    I'll fight you for the top bunk. See you behind the boilers.

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  41. 8 Days! scherfig!!! 'kin hell! I knew I was pre-mod lite coz I'm a girl and they don't seem to 'do' us... prob because they don't want to frighten ladies away from cif.. Why didn't you email them about it? 8 days is outrageous. Monkeyfish... Martillo.. do you know how long the incarceration is likely to last? Have you emailed them? You should if only to get on their nerves... JayReilly always writes them long convoluted emails until they give up and let him out... and has anyone seen Mushroom lately? I've not seen him for a while? Hankscorpio's been banged up as well apparently?

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  42. Hmm. Mine seems to be indefinite. Anyone else wanting to know my dirty secrets can e-mail me through my blogger profile.

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  43. kiz, TBH, I don't care enough about it to make the effort. It strikes me that there must be some bizarre unfathomable "logic" to the whole process which I couldn't be arsed to try to unravel. It's mildly irritating to see some folks' fairly tame comments disappear while other really toxic ones remain, but at least when the really offensive stuff survives, you know what you're dealing with. It does sometimes destroy the flow of the thread, though. At least here we can reproduce our own deleted comments if we want.

    I am, however, still up for a bit of cryptological subversion on Polly's next effort. And I guess the mods will be waiting, so ingenuity will be at a premium.

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  44. I think a polly revolt is in order... but how to get more people involved?
    martillo what do you mean indefinite?

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  45. Hmm, I'd leave that for a while unless you want to be joining us...

    I think I have to prove I can behave in decent company for a while.

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  46. martillo

    no...stumped.

    Did you get an email btw? I just found out when I tried to post. It never got through btw, which can't be a good sign. It was a dig at Rowan Williams which, under the circumstances, was not a good idea but of course I didn't know I was in disgrace until I hit the 'post' button.

    Kizbot's comment seems to suggest that the moderation policy is institutionally sexist or at least that the acceptable user policy discriminates against men. Strangely enough, that would make an interesting article if it were something that could be discussed. I'm sure it would be dismissed as men indulging in the blogging equivalent of 'who can piss highest up the wall' but I think there's probably more to it than that.

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  47. well martillo.. I am a bit fed up with the graun's policy of not discussing moderation... and I cannot for the life of me see why you and monkeyfish need to be in pre-mod and scherfig got 8 days! If they don't like posts they can delete them and if someone is seriously abusive then yes pre-mod them but for being a bit caustic at times... and rather clever with crosswords? utterly daft and discouraging some of the best posters...
    Now I don't know what the policy for pre-modding women ciffers is (like they'd tell us!) but I do know that me and JR got done for our posting on the shapiro thread and mine lasted 5 posts and his a day. Doohnibor was far more scathing (and really rude!) than either of us two and she got off scott free. I have never heard of other women being in pre-mod... it would be interesting to find out how rare it is...

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  48. here are the two posts that got me on pre-mod... the last one really did seal my fate... but in my defence the graun hadn't closed the thread but was still not putting it on the top ten list even though it had over 200 posts even after they'd zapped half of them... so I did get a bit carried away... still don't think it was that bad... could have just deleted them and left it at that...

    'Nah... more like one of those daft aunties who gets all weepy about how hard the queen has to work and what she sacrificed for the nation and she's not really privileged at all.. and it must be awful to be queen... wouldn't wish it on anyone... awful simply awful...etc gushingly etc..

    And then when you tell her to pipe down and lay off the sherry... she gets terribly cross because a) you don't understand how dreadful it all is...
    b) your not a proper patriot and c) you're just a big meany (unlike her who has a heart of sloppy goey substance)
    So she sulks for the remainder of sunday dinner before polishing off the rest of the sherry and staggering home distraught...'


    'It made me laugh right from clapping eyes on it! Really don't get how she managed to get you to fever pitch?
    But seeing as the graun has decided to just pretend this article doesn't exist... does that mean we have free reign on taking the piss?
    Coz I was just wondering if I could get away with a quip about her having boiled all her bunnies with the guardian...
    perhaps not....'

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  49. Fairly inoffensive stuff, I would have thought, kiz. Funny too. You're going to have to really up your game if you want to challenge the apparent sexism of pre-mod, and hang out with the guys for weeks on end.

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  50. It's 'monkeyfish'.

    I did get a mail, cos I'd sent one asking about it. 'A series of personal attacks on an author'. Seemed a bit harsh, considering the times I've defended them from some quite horrid posts. Oh well, perhaps one day they'll feel like discussing it...

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  51. I get deleted for using the word fuck but I've seen loads of the guys use it and get away with it.

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  52. Do people (erm... blokes) get put on pre-mod for weeks on end? Surely not?
    I don't think it's a question of upping my game though, is it... I mean Martillo and MF seem to have been clobbered for putting cryptic crossword clues in their posts, which prob a hell of a lot of ciffers wouldn't even have clocked (well... I certainly wouldn't if I hadn't had it literally spelled out to me..). They just seem to decide to punish people for wotever has annoyed them... could be anything really...

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  53. Yeah but have you ever been pre-modded biskie.. know of any women posters subjected to it?
    Martillo - which author did you have a go at? You're always sticking up for the blighters tis true... would be funny if it wasn't madness..

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  54. Never been on pre-mod because apart from my potty mouth I'm usually fairly nice and polite.

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  55. I can only assume it's Ms Townsend and the crossword thing, kizbot, since I rarely abuse anyone apart from the odd rude poster. Are they harder on men? Maybe they think we don't respect them enough. It's a bit like school, really: the girls always got away with more. S'not fair whine, snivel...

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  56. If mf and martillo are Fletch and Godber, I must be Grouty, and I must admit to looking fairly resplendent tonight in my silk smoking jacket.

    monkeyfish - did you get the "Thank you for comment...submitted for moderation" when you posted or no message at all and then the post never appeared? if the second, then it sounds to me like you've been banned and no amount of grovelling emails to the mods will redeem the position. (If a grovelling email will suffice, I'll send you the template.)

    Well, if you have been banned then the "Reinstate monkeyfish" campaign starts here.

    I'll start printing the t-shirts.

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  57. Day 2 in the Big Brother House: my post on Brooker's thread finally gets published 40 minutes after submission. Either the mods are very slow readers or they smoke very long cigarettes.

    I'm starting to feel strangely drawn to Jade's offer of a kebab. Have been here too long. Surely the Amnesty International crack squad have been alerted to my plight by now...

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  58. scherfig - What's the posting equivalent of "mots en escalier"? As soon as I'd hit the "Post Comment" button, I thought to myself, "You really should've written 'I thought we were going to shag. You know, boff, bang, shtupp, hump, fuck, copulate, fornicate, bump uglies, make the beast with two backs..." Was synonymize already a synonym for shag? 'Cos for me, at least, it always will be now. I'll have to try that one on Señor Blanco tomorrow. "Hey, Angel, if you get bored over spring break, you could come on over to my place and we'll synonymize for awhile." (As per the Brooker thread - d'ya spose it'd impress him if I claimed I've read El Cid?)

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  59. So martillo, a cryptic crossword clue with the word Tuscany as an answer is abuse now is it? i do (little fair-minded miss that I am) think it's outrageous that they slap a pre-mod on the boys over a bit of a joke etc and we girlies getaway with virtual murder... i wonder if Ultima or Milly have ever been pre-modded? And primerib is back... hurling insults as she goes...
    Anyways, it really would be interesting to know... maybe we could persuade Cath to do a bit of spying for us...
    Hank- If they've banned monkeyfish, we'll mount a campaign that will make the great Waltz debacle look like a breeze... woe betide them...

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  60. No I got the "Thank you for comment...submitted for moderation" message but my post never appeared. It was pretty tame; forget the exact wording it just kinda implied Rowan Williams was a bit of an irrelevant waste of space. Then again, he sort of ticks all sorts of Cif Buttons...head of an inclusive, holistic non-judgemental 'faith'; don't know about the Conservative Party, the CofE is 'the Guardian at prayer'. So it's like I insulted their 'Pope'.

    The thing is, I'm not sure what you have to do. In the past, I've toned things down a bit and basically self-censored and I'm normally back after a few days. It's the fact that you don't know what the sentence is that pisses me off. (not even sure it doesn't constitute a 'Cruel and unusual punishment' in most jurisdictions)

    If there was a quota of say 10 'nice' posts, I'd probably be happy to oblige but I'd rather just lie low and post nothing for a few days. Has anyone done this and been reinstated or do you have to actually keep posting?

    My other big issue is that there has been more offensive stuff above the line lately than below it. Jack Straw, Blunkett, Perle and even Peter Preston's opening paragraph on Sunday were new lows as far as I'm concerned; Bindell notwithstanding and I fail to see how anybody can regard my actions (which were little more than a parlour game stunt) as warranting any sanction.

    Anyway, Hank-who are you casting as McKay and Barraclough?

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  61. kizbot

    just caught your Toynbee comment:)

    Fun, isn't it?

    Don't worry martillo will have to double up with Hank in the corner and you can have the bottom bunk.

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  62. Monkeyfish

    When I've been having a spate of deletions for relatively innoffensive stuff I've just lain low and made nice for a while, which seems to work. Never had pre-mod though.

    Did anyone catch the fragrant Bidisha (author and broadcaster) on that Nicky Campbell programme on BBC1 on Sunday morning?

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  63. Can anyone tell me how to get to this "premod" place? I've never been and I'm interested to see what the moderation policy is for aliens of the 17th gender..................

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  64. kiz - Dunno if Milly's ever been pre-modded, but I do know she's been banned before.

    Anyone remember Mimsy.......

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  65. Ha, ha, kizbot. (I've been there too.)

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  66. Kizbot - You go girl!!! I think someone else may need congratulating but I'm still trying to work it out.

    I'd better check scherfig out too.

    I've had a few included since I entered pre-moderation, but it takes an age for them to appear. I'm filled with dread that the perfect opportunity will arise to make the best joke ever and I'll have to watch lots of inferior versions arriving first. Is that what they mean when they say 'stir-crazy'?

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  67. Can't find EamonN? Have they removed it already?

    I still can't get a post through either. Just had my third try?

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  68. Sorry, munk, EamonN is a gay actor taking in a note and the rest is half-imagined(8).

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  69. monkeyfish - scherfig comment at 9.54. Not too difficult but I threw in a little unclued bonus, just for fun.

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  70. The lying low tactic doesn't work, mf, the buggers have long memories and will still pre-mod your initial comments after say a week-long period of relection. I reckon you need a dozen or so innocuous posts before they'll release you. It's a struggle and I'd definitely advise you to steer clear of PT's threads if you're gonna make the quota.

    Mackay's got to be Georgina, surely, with Matt Seaton as the amiable but ineffectual sidekick. (Only kidding guys, you do an essential job with commendable judgement and integrity...)

    "anonymousiron" - that's you, martillo, isn't it?

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  71. Nice one scherfig

    But aren't you worried that now you've drawn attention to it that you're gonna get banged up like some common Tuscan villain? I'm pretty sure they clocked me and martillo by sneaking a look on here.

    Hank
    Well the way things are going it's gonna be quite a stretch. I've only managed one post out of four attempts so far so any hopes of remission or parole are gone.

    Changed my mind anyway. Screw Fletch, I'm getting a baseball and Mitt, doing a Steve McQueen and busting outta here on a stolen motorbike. Martillo's decided to try the classic Hollywood approach too. Paul Newman, natch (ever the salad munching renaissance man) I'm just making him 50 boiled eggs before he slugs it out with George Kennedy.

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  72. Well, monkeyfish, I'd be interested to hear which guidelines the mods would accuse me of breaking, Plus, I don't care anyway.

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  73. I've been released back into the community for a bit, mf. Want me to send you a life-size poster of Rita Hayworth?

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  74. scherfig

    I think it's the one about 'Tuscany'. Any mention on a PT thread is regarded as personal abuse. That's the one I'm assuming I'm in breach of.

    Unless it's guideline 4?

    "As such, contributions that cannot be understood by the majority of participants may be removed."

    maybe this discounts cryptic posts but it might also mean you couldn't post poetry...not even Stalin banned poetry.

    Hank

    Released back into the community? You?...the Daily Mail's gonna freak. I hope they've got you tagged and on the Sarcastic Offenders Register. No doubt you'll have slipped off the radar soon to post more of that ironic bile on an unsuspecting commentariat...this country's gone soft.

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  75. Ingenious, monkeyfish, but I can't see that flying. The "accidental" appearance of the letters in Tuscany (but not as a complete word) could apply to just about every post, and I think guideline 4 applies only to foreign languages. Otherwise, half the comments could probably go straight away.

    In any case, the comment is still there, and semi-nonsensical though it was intended to be, it has attracted 6 recommendations! I must be an idiot savant!

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  76. Shit...I think I've just sealed my fate. I posted a comment having genuinely forgotten about the pre-mod thing.

    On the Julie Myerson thread, Matt Seaton came on to try and defend her and declare an interest since he knows them and she used to write for him when he edited the Guardian Parenting Section.

    I posted, asking if that was in the weeks when Rose West was busy and hit the button before I remembered I was toning things down. When the "submitted for moderation" message came up I suddenly realised that it might not have been such a great idea.

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  77. matt seaton

    don't worry monkeyfish me ol' mucker, nobody enjoys a laugh more than I do.

    Just testing here to see if I can use any name I like on here. What's stopping me calling myself whatever or whoever I like ao someone else calling themselves monkeyfish?

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  78. Well that's a bit worrying

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  79. Ok monkeyfish...you get the top bunk, half my tobacco and I'll keep the place tidy just as long as you're keepin' it real

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  80. Count on it martillo

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  81. vlad the impaler10 March, 2009 17:59

    I'm only trusting people with blue names from now on.

    Unless I want to talk to myself

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  82. Hank- Is the reason yr cheeky post on PT got through because you're off pre-mod? Because I was somewhat in awe of you, thinking you'd got it through on pre-mod!
    Yep monkeyfish - it was fun... but scary... I really thought they'd spot it... but still up so far...
    Dotty - to get in pre-mod, just get caught trying to fit the word Tuscsany into a Toynbee thread...
    Cath - I think mimsy must have been before my time... Is she the only woman to have been banned?
    By the way folks... is anyone else planning/doing a 'my week in cif' post this week? Coz if not then I'm trying to get one together... If anyone else has started preparing one, I'll do it next week instead...

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  83. You dozy sod! Cracked me up that has.

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  84. kizbot - I'm guessing that the mods don't do crosswords, but yeh that was a cheeky little post fuelled by the euphoria of stepping out into the daylight again.

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  85. matt said "Just testing here to see if I can use any name I like on here". Well, obviously you can, but why bother? As we're mostly (all?) Cif'ers here, it would be a bit confusing if we all did that, wouldn't it?

    Signed, Keyzer Soze/Verbal Kint

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  86. Hank

    Yeah congrats on the PT post..

    "I'm Spartacus"

    I've just barbecued an elephant. Tusc anybody?

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  87. I'm keeping an eye on you lot.

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  88. "I'm Spartusca."

    Nye Bevan School for Dyslexic Lefties.

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  89. 'When you plunged
    The light of Tuscany wavered
    And swung through the pool
    From top to bottom.'
    From The Otter, Seamus Heaney...
    anybody wanna link to it anywhere?

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  90. I've hopefully got a blue name now.
    I have nothing else to say, other than if I'm ever getting a bit rude, clout us can you?
    Tee hee.

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  91. I had the following deleted from Leila Deen's piece (the sliming of Mandelson) after it was up for ages.

    "Evil incarnate sleaze merchant has slime thrown over him by uber-smug, hyper-slappable, patroninsing shouty lefty bint.

    My head's swimming with this one."

    What was the key word? Slappable? Bint? Or was it out of order to call Mandelson evil incarnate?

    If the latter, then olching's in strife....

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  92. slappable and bint won't have been too popular...

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  93. Aye, probably, but she used the phrase "slap me silly" at one point in the article and a LOT of people rose to the bait before me. I'll have to check if they got the same treatment.

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  94. @kiz - I had to study Heaney for English A level. I've never drunk Guinness since. Otters are good though, but not native to Tuscany, I believe. That's not to say they couldn't have bought second homes there with money they inherited.

    I had a curry the other night and ordered a Chicken Tarka. My mate asked me what that was and I said "It's like a Chicken Tikka but a little otter."

    The old ones are the best. I'll be here all night if anyone wants to know the difference between a bison and a buffalo.

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  95. Can't wash yer 'ands in a buffalo...

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  96. damn I just wanted kizbot! Wish i was tec savvy

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  97. Still my favourite joke, staybryte. Maybe it's part of the ageing process, and the degradation of the brain cells due to the odd pint of beer here and there, but we all need an easily-remembered joke as a standby.

    My ex-father-in-common-law (!) impressed me once with his knowledge of the geography of Nottingham by remarking, casually, as we passed a cemetery, that it was the dead centre of town. It was only when he said the same thing as we passed a different cemetery that I realised it was a joke. I use it now of course, and claim it as my own.

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  98. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  99. Oi, who's been taking my name in vain? If I'm not blue, with a distinctive orange B by my name, it's not me. I've counted 4 Tuscanys today, with one I still haven't made my mind up about. Anyone feel like coming clean?

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  100. Oh, Kizbot! From five-post dog-house to a 'best of the comments' placing. Could you post a copy of the e-mail you sent?

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  101. Let's be honest now, how many of us check the "best of the comments" on Cif? I refresh the page every ten minutes or so in the pm if I've posted something halfway coherent earlier that day...I don't mind if I don't get the prize as long as MoveAnyFuckingFascistFuckingMountain has been similarly overlooked...

    So, well done, kizbot. You understand, of course, that you're no longer welcome here, given that you're clearly a collaborator (-;

    Btw, if Montana checks in tonight, turns out it was the throttlebox. I'm not making that up, really, the throttlebox. Cost me £90. Which leaves me £410 to pay for a return flight to Great Falls.

    Sadly, you can't get a return flight to Montana from the Yoo-Kay for anything less than $1800, so we're gonna have to remain virtual lovers for the time being, MH. Not a problem for me, tbh, given that I'm a 43 year old virgin.

    Not to mention fat, bald and lazy.

    Having said that, if you can pony up the $1000 dollar difference, I would love to see Montana in the moonlight.

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  102. Do I get no credit around here for slipping a Tuscany reference into the latest Polly?

    Lunatics vainly search for a way to rein in the culture of greed.

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  103. Well, you're not going to find me if you go to Great Falls. Try Des Moines. Name might be Montana - but I live in Iowa.

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  104. You're the one I was referring to, Montana, but I cant work it out. pleeease explain: it's driving me mad. I wonder if you'll get the same treatment as Monkeyfish and I...

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  105. Lunatics vainly - anagram - villa in Tuscany

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  106. The thought occurs that perhaps I should be intimidated about posting here. Seeing as how there are so many more men here than women and all.

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  107. I'm in the middle of the Myerson thread that Kiz got "Best in comments" for. Can I just say here that Matt Seaton really is an arrogant, sanctimonious jerkwad?

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  108. Brilliant Wildhack.. I knew sth was going on in that post... nice one! Can't quite believe I'm on the best of! Never happened before... and strange I got it for a myerson comment seeing as Matt's friends with them...
    But not only am I not leaving this blog folks I'm also doing 'my week in cif' this week... I've bagsied it now... I offered it up but seeing as there were no takers... its mine...

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  109. OMFG! Did I just read that this Myerson woman wrote that God-awful "Living with teenagers" column?

    That column used to wind me up so much I wanted to punch someone, preferably the writer. Prime example of stupid middle class parents. They haven't got a clue.

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  110. Not that all middle class parents are stupid. But that woman definitely needed parenting classes.

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  111. Yeah, her spokesman categorically denied it to the Telegraph on Monday, then Myerson admitted it on Tuesday, and the Guardian pulled all her articles from the archives. Nice woman, eh?

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  112. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/10/family-julie-myerson

    Read it and puke.

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  113. Man this is some hard time they're making me do... not sure if I'm gonna make it. If it's true you have to keep posting nicely to get back, is it worth it? I feel like a defender on a yellow. I need to make that tackle but will it mean an early bath?
    I've made four more or less anodyne posts. When it finally gets through, it's put in at the time you first tried, so you have to search for it.

    Well done, Montana and Kizbot. There's till another in there somewhere...

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  114. Oh! I'm out. Compassionate reasons, I suppose. Whining works!

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  115. Well, that's me and martillo, how about monkeyfish? Saw one of your comments posted earlier but not sure whether that was before the Rose West jibe had filtered through...

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  116. No I'm still in here. Not too bad now martillo's gone; can stretch out a bit and chill. All his faffing about and stressing over how he should end his letters to Matt. "Yours affectionately..or yours respectfully...whaddaya think?...I don't want to sound too desperate.." Strewth...

    Not exactly Cool Hand Luke are you martillo?

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  117. Sorry, Monkeyfish. I just couldn't take it any more (especially the snoring and whatever else you were doing in the top bunk) I had to give you up, I just had to. I'm promised a place in 'best of comments, too.

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  118. Actually..I can't really talk. Here's my latest contribution to today's NI piece

    "My prayers are with all the peace loving people of Ireland. May God bless and protect you in your hour of need."

    I might nip around and say a few more prayers on a couple of other threads. See how that goes down.

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  119. Just seen your post on the Myerson thread, mf. Jeez, I'm praying that it works soon...

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  120. Now I feel really bad for grassing you up, Monkeyfish. Still, I hope you know you'll be looked after while you're inside. The wife and kids won't go short and Montana's laying on a great do for you. Chin up, old son.

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  121. 8 reccomendations and a growing fan club on Planet Myerson, Mr Monkeyfish.

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  122. Anyone still here ? I had a whole load of posts totally removed today on the churches should be banks thread, they were then reinstated about five tonight... they're messing with our heads people...

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  123. I got another one about that place in Italy into Toynbee last night. Haven't looked to see if it's still there yet.

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  124. How many more useless, anodyne, shit-eating gesture posts are they expecting here? It's a f*ckin travesty. And who decides? I just hope it's not Matt Seaton. To have a post ruled inappropriate by the man who commissioned Julie Myerson for the Parenting section is a just a bit too much to take.

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  125. Well, I think your recent posts have been brilliant. I went to your profile to read 'em all at once and just pissed myself laughing. You seem to be praying for just about everyone on the planet right now!

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  126. Bless you Montana

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  127. Please pray for me too Monkeyfish. I would like a job and a boyfriend, ta.

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  128. I read that Julie Myerson got stoned one time at Bristol University (on "cake") and ate some bloke's hamster. Even if she did, God bless her and Jonno. (TM monkeyfish)
    And screw their horrible kids - they don't deserve such wonderful parents.

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  129. Biskieboo

    Consider it done. I'll mention it to the big guy tonight.

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  130. Dear all,

    Sorry to be self-obsessed, but...

    I just realised I was morderated. (Are we still running with that one, by the way?)

    It was on the Rapeplay computer game thread (a computer game where you play the part of a rapist). I was making a - is quip the term? Basically,

    'man, there are some twisted people in society, so twisted that they even ask questions about the circulation of a rape simulation game. Frickin' sickos'. And they swept.

    Ok, so maybe it was fuckin' sickos. Still, didn't get morderated - not once I tells ya - for a year or so of Ciffing. Maybe much longer. Can't remember. And now it's happening.

    On the plus side, I'm feeling nicely persecuted: not nearly enough to cause any scarring, of course, but just enough to fuel the indignation.

    Yours frownfully,

    ChooChoo

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  131. ChooChoo - tough break, but if you're gonna do the self-obsession and self-pity thing, you should read/watch a bit more of the Myersons. I realise that they get paid loads of money for it, but there's nothing wrong with aspiring to be a gifted amateur.

    Best of luck in the cage.

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  132. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  133. Do you mean deleted, choochoo? You've never been deleted before? Wow!

    My recent day or so in pre-moderation was my first, and I can't help wondering if there are some changes going on. The few times I contacted the mods about a deletion before, I got some fairly reasonable responses with a personal feel to them. (I also remember a humorous moderator who made jokes - does anyone else?). Now there's something more corporate about the replies. Are they getting stricter or just more erratic?
    They haven't renewed the suggustions bin for weeks. Hmmm...

    Meanwhile, I'm eagerly awaiting Kizbot's diary. How's it going?

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  134. martillo,

    Deleted, yeah. Have been deleted before. But it took ages before it happened. It's gone from never to rarely to sometimes, if not quite regularly.

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  135. Looking forward to kiz’s week on Cif – quite a bit to talk about, I reckon. In the meantime - the following arrived in my mail-box this morning. It was from an anonymous mail account that was re-routed through servers in Russia, Venezuela and Melton Mowbray. Obviously from someone who is computer-savvy – an IT professional perhaps? Anyhow, here it is:


    My week on Cif:

    Mon: Got a bit of stick today. Although the usual sky-pixie, deluded, invisible friend, religion rots your brain stuff went down well as usual, 187 recommendations for 23 comments as of 8.16 pm (first comment 7.48 am.), some commenters kept challenging me on facts and ridiculing me when I didn't respond. Who are these fucking plebs? I'm a fucking scientist and an intellectual. I even went to public school. Bastards!

    Tues: I feel much better today. AC Grayling's piece was marvellous. The god-botherers were totally hammered! Unfortunately, ChooChoo turned up with his usual snide philosophical comments that I can never understand, so I couldn't comment myself in case the bastard picked on me. He has no evidence for his claims and he doesn't seem to worry at all about contrary evidence. Maybe I should read some books too? NO! That way madness lies.

    Wed: Another excellent day! Toynbee and Ashley were on top form about the great job New Labour is doing. LOL. They are deluded. How can anyone doubt that they will lose the next election by a landslide? I'm a scientist and I've worked it out already. Why can't these people see this? Why are they all so stupid? Their arguments are full of logical fallacies, faith-based attitudes and paranoid fantasies! And why am I the only true liberal on these threads?
    Bonus! - I think my well-reasoned and eloquent arguments for compulsory DNA typing at birth actually convinced quite a few hitherto unenlightened people.

    Thurs: Shit! Said a bit too much about slavery and how bad the Africans and Arabs were. (It’s obviously true, but not PC enough for the Cif lefties apparently.) I quickly fell back on my standard ad hominem and straw man defences, but that didn't go down too well, and I was roundly (and unfairly) reviled by nearly everyone. Bastards! Early to bed with Dawkins.

    Fri: Fitted my super new CCTV camera on my bike so that I can tape citizens while I cycle to work. I'm still not sure as to which government agency I should send the tapes. Must remember to ask Henry Porter. Didn’t post much today – just not angry enough. I hope I’m not coming down with something.

    Sat: Very disappointing day. I commented on a few non-religious threads and I didn't get any recommendations. There was also a humorous thread and although I made many very funny comments, noone recommended any of them. They are obviously all deluded and feeble-minded bastards.
    New resolution - comment ONLY on religion. No matter what I say about illiterate goatherds, invisible friends and spaghetti monsters, nearly everybody recommends my intelligent, pithy comments. (And I can have a fairly hefty, but subtle, swing at the muslims as well!)

    Sun: No time to post. Church at 11.00 followed by lunch with my mum and the vicar. I’d hoped that I’d be able to dash off a few quick hagiographic comments about Dawkins and Dennett on the Andrew Brown thread but I was back far too late from the lap-dancing club due to a puncture. (And I’d forgotten my tyre-iron.) Bastards! Still tomorrow is another day. Bring it on, you deluded morons!

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  136. Soon-to-be-deleted posts from someone called 'OneOfMyTurns' on the Natalie Rothschild thread just now:

    "Why was my comment deleted you fuckwits"
    "Guardian moderators urinate on the concept of free speech."

    Lol. Stickin' it to the man.

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  137. scherfig - lol

    I see a new game opportunity here.

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  138. Well I've written the rotten thing.. might seem a bit pedestrian though, after scherfig's hilarious week post! Anyways my main problem now is how to get it on to here? How do I send it to wildhack... help anyone!

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  139. kiz - theWildhack@gmail.com

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  140. You'r a star scherfig, ta... i f anyone sees her about alert her about me sending her my bit...cheers

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  141. scherfig- just wanted to say that I'm glad it's not just me that gets a wee bit lost in choo choo's posts. I tend to feel like an ill-educated, semi-literate pleb when reading them... mind you there a doddle in comparison with penileplethywhathisbob... of which rarely a word can I make head nor tail of... And sarka, much as i love and adore her, is another one who gets my head spinning... all in all there are far too many intellectuals on cif, I must say.. It gives me the pip, I tell you

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  142. Kiz,

    I'm another on who gets lost with ChooChoo (except on teopolitics, obviously). For pen's posts I use the mental filter I used when "smoking" lots with an old acquaintance a few years back, it then kind of makes sense.............

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  143. dot- just put a hapennies worth on over at cath's blog (couldn't get away with it at work).. that thread is well mental

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  144. kiz, dot, I love choochoo's posts. They require a bit of work, but I like that they attempt to raise the level of discussion and they always seem to me to be relevant. He's fighting a losing battle of course - check out his latest interesting efforts on the Hobson charity thread. I share his (presumed) frustation with constant and agressive schoolboy references to sky pixies etc (yawn) on the Cif belief threads. I enjoy some of these articles but rarely contribute because I couldn't be arsed with the militant atheist bullshit. They can be worse than the fem threads sometimes! It's a shame, because they raise interesting questions that are invariably shouted down rather than discussed. I remember a very long one a while back (jay was on it) which took all sort of fascinating directions and was vastly entertaining. The problem on many of the belief threads (like the feminist threads) is that the usual suspects leap on an article no matter what the ostensible topic is and just spout the same tired old bullshit. An atheist myself, it amused me to be regarded as some sort of fundamentalist because I was interested in something vaguely metaphysical. Aah well, that's that vented. You guys should check out the belief thread - good-tempered humour and wit tends to be in short supply. (And choochoo, if you read this, it wasn't me what wrote it.)

    BTW - I read the Cath blog that beat Ally up. Nice. Must contribute some time (about 2025, I think.)

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  145. Well mental indeed! Think I'll keep my gob shut on that one.

    Any news on Monkeyfish?

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  146. scherfig- I think choo choo is fab.. it's me and my slow wits that are the prob.. I have to read his posts at least twice and s-l-o-w-l-y before it sinks in...
    martillo- well, much as i love cath, I'm not going on there again if that's the state of play... I told jay off earlier for being rude and now think he was quite polite in comparison.. I'd of lost it myself but I really really don't want to upset cath... such a shame, I'd love to contribute to her threads but it really is too intimidating on there.. OH the irony!

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  147. Well, I just lost it over on Cath's blog. I called some woman called "stormy" an arrogant cow for telling me that I was sucking up to men, expecting them to make things right and that I needed to think a bit more deeply. Sigh. I hate losing my temper. How is it that I'm able to shrug off LenFirewood and Brusselslout, et al. (even laugh, sometimes) and a bunch of rad-fems manage to poke me in the right place with one comment?

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  148. martillo

    I'm still in pre mod. But I just clocked this character on the Natalie Rothschild thread:

    "FuckOffModerators

    13 Mar 09, 7:52pm (about 2 hours ago)

    My new mission is to expose the identity of the moderators and who exactly deletes what, including the identity of people gaming the cif system.

    A whose who of the free speech stifler's.

    Think your going to walk all over my rights, think again motherfuckers!"

    Awesome-I thought I'd preserve it for posterity although, as I type, it's already been in place for 2 hours.

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  149. because wildhack.. You do other women the honour of thinking they're basically on yr side so are shocked when they turn real nasty... when a jerk does it you just shrug it off as being from a jerk...
    Although, funnily enough, even Len and The Lout will engage sometimes... quite nicely too...

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  150. "I called some woman called "stormy" an arrogant cow"

    Wicked, Montana.

    I'm feeling a little guilty, Monkeyfish. I don't know how I got out so easily. I love your new discovery. I'll just nip over and recommend him/her, if it's still there.

    I'm in the middle of watching Danny the Dog. I think it's my favourite film.

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  151. Not Jet Li's best by a long shot...

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  152. Just spotted this on the new Toynbee - since it's middle of the night over there, I'm guessing it won't last long when the mods wake up:

    9milerancher
    14 Mar 09, 1:51am (about 1 hour ago)

    try to
    understand the
    seriousness of the
    conditions under which each and
    any of the common citizens
    never approach
    your standard of living.


    Either 9milerancher has lurked here, or he's pretty clever.

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  153. montana - 9milerancher has gone, but I've just stepped in. I hope monkeyfish is praying for me!

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  154. oooh, scherfig! Had to read it a couple of times before I saw it. That was dead brill - it reads like a perfectly innocent post!

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  155. Naughty sherfig.

    I've just posted on Polly's thread (a rare occurrence for me), but don't spend ages trying to find anything clever in it. I just couldn't believe that claim about the GCSE passes and I still don't.

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  156. Dunno how long this will last over there - sorry for following your pattern, scherfig. It was the best I could do at the moment.

    My initial reaction is that it's reassuring to see that Polly Toynbee understands so clearly and never yields to right-wing nutjobs.

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  157. 8 days in premod? That brought me out in a cold sweat. You should write your very own 'misery memoirs' about your brutal treatment in the cif gulag. 8 days... eeuggh....

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